quraishakrueger

Today, I Googled my ex-husband only to find that in the years since we've split he now fancies himself as a stand-up comic. His material? Our sex life. FML

Today, I was in swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your love life! Swim, bitch!" FML

Today, yep, pubic hair is still flammable. FML

Today, I got into an argument with a militantly feminist co-worker of mine. She threw several vulgar insults at me and debased the entire male gender before storming off. I'd only asked if she needed help while she was doing a crossword. FML

Spooky season

Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML

Today, while stuck in traffic on the highway, my 5 year-old in the back seat asked me why the man in the car next to us was pulling on the other man's "peepee". FML

Today, I found out that my German wasn't as great as I thought it was. Trying to give directions to some German tourists, I tried to say, "I hope I don't get you lost." Turns out I actually said something closer to, "I hope I don't seduce you." FML

Use the force

Today, since I'm too ashamed to go buy a proper sex toy, I used an old Star Wars toy sword instead. FML

Today, I noticed how big my brother's package is. If it hadn't been for the fact that my family has taken up walking around naked half the day, I never would have had to. FML

Today, I finally found out that the tattoo on my lower back means "slut" in Chinese, instead of "good fortune" as I always thought it did. FML

Today, I realized too late that a picture in my school Powerpoint presentation of thousands of New Zealand sheep, was actually a picture of thousands of naked men in a field. FML

Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML

Today, I found out my wife and three daughters all have their period on seperate weeks. I now have no break from yelling. FML

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, and started to climb on top of him sexily. He blurted out, "Oh my god, you're like that girl from The Ring." FML

It's the thought that counts, right?

Today, my mother said I'm slipping too deep into depression since my boyfriend left for college in Fresno. Her solution? Buying me a vibrator. FML

Today, desperate for my boyfriend to notice me for once, I started noisily masturbating while he was playing World of Warcraft. His response was to put his headphones on. FML

Today, out of my bedroom window, I can see my next door neighbour's window. On his ledge, I can see binoculars, tissues and vaseline. FML

Today, my mom called me a bastard, told me I should run away, and said I don't deserve to live in her house. All because I didn't use a plate when I ate a Poptart. FML

Today, I shat a magnet. FML

Medication shutdown

Today, I realized that due to my anti-depressants, I can no longer orgasm. At. All. Which depresses me more. FML

Today, my dad came to confiscate my phone. I stuck it in between my boobs so he wouldn't be able to see it. He said, "Honey, your breasts aren't big enough to hide that." FML

Dad jokes

Today, I wore my brand new Wonderbra to school. When I got home, my dad looked at me and started laughing hysterically. Between breaths, he asked if anyone actually thought my chest was that big and said, "You know why it's called a Wonderbra? Guys take it off and wonder where your tits went." FML

Today, I woke up after having a wet dream about Marge Simpson. I really need to get laid. FML

Today, after having had sex with my girlfriend for the first time the night before, she went to the doctor. He said she's still physically a virgin. FML

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. After we finished, he went under the covers and started touching me. At first I thought he was trying to give me "oral pleasure". It turns out he lost the condom inside of me and was trying to fish it out before I noticed. FML

Confused?

Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML

Not now, Cooper

Today, I got a boner at the dentist's. FML

Quick thinking

Today, my dad walked in on me masturbating. All I could say was, "Uh, I had an itch…" FML

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML

Today, I made a fake Facebook account for a girl, and then set my relationship status to make it look like the fake person was my girlfriend. Someone found out and hacked the fake account. My fake girlfriend just dumped me over Facebook. FML