Doubledimp

Today, my roommate's boyfriend professed his love to me. I kicked him out, and he stood outside the door calling my name until he saw my roommate coming down the hall. They both came in and he acted like nothing happened. FML

Today, I was playing a game with my family where we had to say the name of an actor/actress that started with a certain letter. When I said mine, my dad grounded me because he knew it was a pornstar. Now my mom is mad at my dad for watching porn too. FML

Sexy time

Today, I woke up to my balls being sucked on. Unfortunately, it was by a mosquito. I hate the summer. FML

News to me

Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later, he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML

Today, I arrived for the holiday across the world that I spent my entire savings from working during college on. I had a slight sore throat, and couldn't manage to equalise my right ear, aborting all my scuba dives. There goes $500 and my dream of being a scuba instructor. FML

Today, my boyfriend bought me Cards Against Humanity because he thinks it would give me some motivation to make friends since I only have one and need three to play. Sad thing is, he's right. FML

Today, I went on a date with a guy who told me his main aim in life is to live alone in an isolated lighthouse. FML

At long last

Today, after two years and five months, my boyfriend finally found my clitoris. FML

Today, I called my boyfriend and asked if he wanted to come watch a movie. He seemed eager, until I said I needed the company because my period had started. He then went dead silent, waited a few seconds before starting to fake-snore, then hung up on me. FML

Today, I figured out why I have been feeling so drowsy and lethargic for the past week. My daughter had been slipping sleeping pills into my coffee as payback for taking her phone away. FML

And I oop

Today, my boyfriend's dick got stuck in the wrong hole. And by wrong hole I mean the pool filter. FML

Be true to your team

Today, I went on a blind date. Things got hot and heavy, but when he pulled off my pants and saw the Pittsburgh Penguins logo on my thong he stopped and told me to get dressed and that he refused to sleep with the enemy. He was a die-hard Flyers fan. FML

Today, my co-worker, who used to be in a frat with me in college, decided to tell all my coworkers as well as my boss all the stupid things I did in college, starting with the time a girl stole my clothes and I had to walk across campus naked. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me via a Whatsapp group. FML

Bovine

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML

Bad sex

Today, my husband complained about my lack of sex drive. Gee, I wonder why, Mr. "Always comes first by humping for a whopping 30 seconds." FML

Today, at my job of two months, I'd taken it upon myself to water the plants around the office every day since they all looked a little sad. My boss then asked why so many of the fake plants were getting mouldy. My co-workers had watched me water plastic plants for two months and nobody bothered to tell me. FML

Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls isn't from when my girlfriend poured hot sauce on my balls as a prank, it's actually gonorrhea. FML

Today, the guy I'm seeing told me, "I've always loved you as a person.... but not in any other way." While he was inside me. FML

Don't do this

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years in front of the sell-out crowd at the baseball game, but at the security checkpoint, the security guard made me take the ring out and open it after I walked through the metal detector. No need to say it, worst proposal ever. FML

Today, after creating a swear jar for my son, I came back to find a $20 bill in it and him saying, "How much does that buy?" FML

Today, while working at a bank, I helped a customer who was making a large withdrawal. After I counted out his money, I asked "Do you want the strap on?" After a moment of awkward silence, as I realized how that came out, he smiled and said, "No thanks, I don't need one." and winked. Great. FML

Today, the person I was seeing asked to be just friends. A few hours later, they tried to talk me into having sex. FML

Today, I hit the gym. With my car. FML

Today, I was told by the guy I've liked for years that he would date me if he was straight. FML

Today, the girl I've liked for over a year, broke up with me after just 2 weeks of dating, all because I'm a better pianist then her. I've been playing since I was 8. She's been playing for 6 months. FML

Today, my dad asked my step-mom if he could get some booty before bed because he still had energy. He didn't realize I was still in the room. FML

Today, the only cute girl in my office made fun of me because I'm 27 and bring fruit cups with my lunch. FML

Today, I noticed a prospective employer I had been networking with changed her last name on her e-mail signature. I wished the aquaintence congratulations on her new marriage. Her divorce was finalized this week. FML

Better Call Small

Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend. He's 6'2 and I'm 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML