26 ans En couple
Today, my boyfriend told me he likes having sex during my period because it makes him feel like he stabbed a small animal to death. FML
Today, I realized the odd smell I've been trying to get out of the house is actually coming from me. FML
Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend that said, "Dude, I think she knows I'm going to break up with her." FML
Today, I was walking through the mall with my husband. We came across a guy who was selling some weight loss pills. He tried to sell me some and I kindly declined. He told me not to deny my weight problems. Thanks. I'm 7 months pregnant. FML
Today, my mother wore a see through shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra. FML
Today, while making out with my boyfriend of a month, he started rubbing my boobs. He told me that he wanted to get some action before he broke up with me. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to make the most of his 1 month X-Box Live coupon. FML
Today, my mother found out that I'm sexually active. She wants me to tell my father. I'm seventeen, and my father still has trouble grasping the fact that I carry a purse, because it means I'm "growing up." This should be fun. FML
Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying he needed me to bail him out of jail. The crime? Masturbating in public. FML
Today, I found my brother tampering with my laptop. He had changed the entire settings, in ways I don't even know how to fix. I finally had to get my mom to threaten him to change it back to its original setting. I'm 15. He's six and can barely get dressed by himself. FML
Today, I found my pet hamster that escaped yesterday, wet and soggy, next to my pet dog. My dog chewed it. FML
Today, I got hit in the mouth with a hockey stick and lost four teeth. Yesterday I got my braces of six years removed. FML
Today, I realized that I'll have to explain to my child that mommy and daddy met on World of Warcraft. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded by asking for a blowjob. FML
Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML
Today, I bought myself a brand-new 52" flatscreen. It was only in my house for 2 hours before my toddler had a tantrum, threw a toy right into the screen and wrecked it beyond repair. I paid to have a nice TV for 2 hours. FML
Today, I found that the love of my life is 3.5 inches, fully erect. My cell phone is bigger than that. FML
Today, I witnessed two women in a catfight, ripping clothes off each other. This would have been great if the two women weren't my mom and my grandma. FML
Today, my mom asked if I was seeing anyone. I launched into a description of my girlfriend, only for her to interrupt, saying that she meant a therapist, and the fact that I'd just made up a relationship was further proof that I needed one. I really do have a girlfriend. FML
Today, when I weighed myself on my scale, it broke. FML
Today, I saw a woman run down my street screaming, "Fuck you cops! I can drive under the influence if I want to!" It took me a second to realize it was my mother. FML
Today, I got flustered because my hair straightener wasn't working. It took me fifteen minutes to realize I hadn't turned it on. FML
Today, I began to walk across the street when I saw a very familiar old lady struggle across it. I walked over to help her, and only after she had blown her rape whistle and socked me in the nuts did she realize I was her grandson. FML
Today, I took my mom to Victoria's Secret to help her find a bra. She made me try one on to see if it looked good on me. Turns out we have the same cup size. I'm a guy. FML
Today, my boyfriend fingered me. He never cuts his nails. It felt like I was getting intimate with Wolverine. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML
Today, the ex who I'm still in love with told me he wishes we could be together, but that first I really need to get over the fact that he already has a wife and kids. FML
Today, my 5 year-old twin boys decided to teach each other how to fly off the shed out back. They are still in their pajamas. Batman's arm is broken and Spiderman has a slight concussion. FML
Today, I was at a shooting range with my father. The target was a creepy poster of a man. My father said, "This one is for your boyfriend." Perfect groin shot. FML
Today, my baby son latched onto my nipple for a feed, after a month of having to be bottle fed because he wouldn't latch. This would be fantastic, if it weren't for the fact that I'm his father, not his mother. FML
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