Today, I walked in on my sister shoving her vibrating phone into her privates. Can't erase that image. FML
Today, at age 27, I went to pick up the girl I like for my first ever date. Her brother answered the door with a baseball bat, said the date was off and threatened to smash my kneecaps to pieces if I ever came back. FML
Today, while playing a game, my girlfriend told a bunch of our friends that she's never had an orgasm. News to me. FML
Today, my wedding celebration came to an awkward pause when my dad slapped my mom across the face and called her a whore after she admitted to having an affair. FML
Today, the canine behaviour course I am studying released a new assignment in which I need to film myself teaching a dog a new trick. The only dog I have access to is my sister's neurotic, anxious Chihuahua who bites at any sudden noise. FML
Today, I was stabbed because a mugger got mad that I was broke. FML
Today, as I tried to parallel park at a busy spot downtown, a group of teens jumped in front of my car and started a slow clap. FML
Today, I had such a big hiccup that I fell backwards down the stairs. FML
Today, I got mugged for my phone. I stupidly offered to give the guy my money if he'd let me keep my phone. He took both. FML
Today, I woke up at 2am and went to use the toilet. I sat there doing my business, when I heard a voice whisper my name from behind me. I live alone and the toilet is right up against the wall. I screamed and ran back to my room, then went without sleep for the rest of the night. FML
Today, I found a crying little kid alone in a park. I walked around with him for a bit to try to find his parents. When I found his dad, all he did was take the kid and menacingly leer at me until I left. FML
Today, while I was working at a supermarket, a kid started to cry in line because he couldn't get candy. Since we have free lollipops behind the desk, I gave him one. His mom complained to my manager and said I was grooming her child. FML
Today, my ex texted me after more than a year of no communication. He wanted to know if I was interested in having a threesome with him and his current fiancée. FML
Today, the small plane I was on almost crashed, all because the pilot's girlfriend figured out mid-flight that he's been cheating on her, causing her to start screaming abuse and furiously beating him. FML
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