ssmith130

Today, it's been three days since I told this guy I liked him and he told me he liked me. It's also been three days since he contacted me. So, I called his phone and I was told by someone that they were attributed that number three days ago. I think it's safe to say the feelings weren't mutual. FML

Travelling light

Today, I went hiking in China. I knew I was unfit, I didn't know I was "being overtaken by an old lady leading a donkey" unfit. FML

Today, I got severe diarrhea while out dancing with friends. On my way home, I got hit with the urge again. I couldn't find an open toilet and I had to resort to relieving myself in an alley. FML

Today, I walked in on my roommate having sex in my bed, because apparently hers is "for sleeping only". FML

Today, was trying to have an adult conversation with my fiancée but she's always on her phone, so I sent her a text message instead. Relationship goals. FML

Small world, huh?

Today, I was talking to my best friend about how much of an asshole my ex-boyfriend is. After about 2 hours of non-stop bitching, it turns out she's actually dating him. FML

Today, at work, I had to explain to a customer that she can't connect her tablet to her home WiFi while she's at work. I went to MIT for this. FML

Make it stop

Today, the smoke detector in my bedroom malfunctioned and started going off while my cat was asleep on my shoulder. He panicked and deeply lacerated my nose with his claw as he ran off. Blood got everywhere, and to add insult to injury the unit has no removable battery and wouldn't turn off. FML

Today, I had to teach my 13-year-old sister that sugar and salt don't, "cancel each other out to make the taste neutral". FML

Today, my fiancé asked me how soon I wanted him to move out. FML

Today, I accidentally sliced open my crush's hand at work while we were messing around on break. A month ago, I broke his brother's finger playing dodgeball. No wonder I'm still single; he must think I'm out to get his family. FML

Today, as I was helping a customer, she asked if it was my first day and who was training me. Evidently, I'm bad at my job, because I've worked there for 7 months. FML

Bad timing

Today, I have been vomiting for 4 days. Tomorrow, my landlord is insisting on inspecting my flat. I now either have to clean my house whilst trying not to throw up all around it, or fail my inspection. FML

You must be kidding

Today, I went into work thinking it was my last day before I start my new job, as my 2-week notice said to the managers that I can't work after today. None of them believed that I was actually capable of getting a better job and thought my 2-week notice was a joke. FML

Today, my mother lectured me for not spending enough time with her. We literally just got back from a 10 day vacation together. FML

Family

Today, I helped my hoarder grandfather clean out his garage. Not only did I step on a nail, I also slipped in a puddle of used oil that's been sitting out for two years, and broke my nose. He didn't pay me since I wasn't able to finish the job. FML

Today, my step-mom tried to ground me. I met her just yesterday, when she moved in. FML

Today, a customer complained that one of our cashiers smiles too much. FML

Today, I thought I was being a good worker by showing a mother and daughter several rooms before they settled on one. Turns out Mommy dearest only wanted a place for her brat to throw a party. The cops found alcohol, drugs, and guns. This from the people who complained about a loose chair arm. FML

Today, I went to the store to buy new blankets and a comforter. A cute guy started chatting with me and asked about the new bedroom decor. I lied and said I just had a major break up and needed new things, instead of admitting I was too lazy to dig out and wash my winter blankets from last year. FML

Today, my roommate told me that she was studying in the library. Turns out, she didn't feel like going to the library and just spent all afternoon studying in a friend's room because she didn't think I was capable of shutting up for long enough to get any work done. Our other friends agreed. FML

Today, while reading the newspaper, I noticed that an ad had been placed for my job. I asked my boss for a week off so that I could fly home for my father's funeral. No wonder she was so cool with it. FML

Awkward silence

Today, my husband and I finally had the house to ourselves, so we had unusually loud sex. Banging bed, yelling obscenities, super rowdy, etc. I then see my mother-in-law out the window. She had let herself in, dropped off a bag and apparently ran out. Thanksgiving is going to be weird. FML

Today, I shaved my beard that I wanted to grow for winter, into a goatee for a Skype interview. On the day, the interviewer only used audio. FML

Today, I mockingly made "President Trump" jokes all day to my friends, knowing Clinton was bound to win the election. FML

You should see someone

Today, I've actually developed a crush on a guy I never intended to crush on, and also can't have. For one he's married and utterly devoted to his wife. And even if that weren't true, he's so far out of my league I need binoculars to see him. And to top it all of? He's fictional. FML

Today, my best friend got jealous that his dog likes me more. He told me I have to spank it whenever it cuddles with me so it will love him more. FML

Today, I got into a car accident that was my fault. The other driver was my professor. FML

Today, I showed my grandma my new septum piercing. Her only response was, "I hope it gets infected and your nose falls off." FML

Today, after complaining about the clocks still being an hour ahead from daylights savings, my work finally changed the time on all the clocks in the building. Now all the clocks are two hours ahead. FML