Today, I sent my sister a text about how fat I was becoming and looking as disgusting as my ex-husband. When I checked to see if she had received it I saw that I had accidentally sent it to my ex-father in law. FML
Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML
Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of two years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML
Today, I took this girl out that I've been crushing on for 2 years to a fancy restaurant. At one point during the date, I had to get up to take a massive dump. As I was walking back to the table, a little boy stood up and shouted, "THAT'S THE POOPOO MAN!" in front of the whole restaurant. FML
Today, in the gym, as I bent over to pick up my weights an old man farted right in my face. The stench was appalling. To make matters worse, a girl I've fancied for ages thought it was me and reported it to the instructor. I was told to leave for "anti-social behavior." FML
Today, I found out I can sneak out of my house... but not back in. FML
Today, while playing poker, I lost a stack of money to somebody with the screen name "Poopface." FML
Today, I found a picture my husband had saved on the computer. It was of me, and he had named it "Fatter". FML
Today, my grandmother sat me down and gave me a talk about the importance of personal hygiene. According to her, it's important that I shower twice a day, because, "Fat people tend to have a most curious smell about them." FML
Today, I realized too late that a picture in my school Powerpoint presentation of thousands of New Zealand sheep, was actually a picture of thousands of naked men in a field. FML
Today, my grandmother introduced me to her friends as her 16-year-old granddaughter "who has never been kissed." FML
Today, I was taking my dog for a walk and forgot a bag to pick up his poop, since it's illegal to not pick it up in my town. Right as my dog started to take a dump, a cop car drove by and continued to watch me as I was forced to pick up the poop with my bare hands. FML
Today, our dog jumped on the bed while my fiancé and I were having sex, and let out the most horrific fart. My fiancé, like a gentleman, held my nose closed while he continued banging me. FML
Today, I was walking to the gym when the woman in front of me dropped some cash. I picked it up and tried to get her attention. She saw the money and thought I was trying to pay her to sleep with me. FML
Today, my demented asswipe of a lab partner thought it'd be funny to replace the birthday gift I bought for my girlfriend with the large intestine of a recently-dissected dog. My girlfriend nearly fainted when she opened the gift box, and accused me of planning the whole thing. FML
Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old son apparently practicing his oral sex skills on the crotch of one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML
Today, I realized that I am such a Grammar Nazi that when a porn star says something grammatically-incorrect, I lose my boner. FML
Today, I made two cakes. One for my boyfriend's birthday tomorrow, the other for my family so they wouldn't eat the birthday cake. I came home to find they ate half of each. FML
Today, I came home at 1 am to find my mom sitting on my couch, ranting about how I'm not supposed to stay up this late. I'm 26 and I don't know how she got into my house. FML
Today, I felt lousy and decided to give myself a pep-talk in the mirror. After a while, I cheered up and went about my day. I soon found out that my sister had recorded me through the crack of the door and posted the video on Facebook. I'm humiliated. FML
Today, my coworkers glued pairs of different sized googly eyes all over my office equipment, seconds before an important client arrived. FML
Today, while relaxing in a chair in a shop, a man approached me and said, "You have no idea how many times I've farted in that chair." FML
Today, I helped my buddy write a sweet love letter to his girlfriend. After reading it, she dumped him for being an "Edward Cullen wannabe", and when my girlfriend found out, she dumped me for "cheating" on her by writing the letter in the first place. FML
Today, I finished off the last of the BBQ chips in the house. When my 6-year-old sister found out about it, she started screaming, then pulled down her pants and peed on the kitchen floor. My parents, after witnessing the whole thing, bitched me out for upsetting her. FML
Today, I took a run in the woods. Almost halfway through, I started to feel like I was going to faint. I was so dizzy that my sight was getting blurry. I went to sit down on what seemed like a rock. It wasn't a rock. It was a huge snapping turtle. FML
Today, I had my first wet dream. I woke up sweating and soaking wet. Too bad I dreamed about having intense sex with a cardboard box. FML
Today, I found out via Instagram that my boyfriend didn't actually go to the Bahamas with his dad as he claimed. Not unless his dad lost weight, grew tits and long hair, and likes to make out with his son. They have no cellphone service, so I can't even call to break up with him. FML
Today, I met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen on the beach. I was nervous, but I just smiled and said, "Hey, you're really pretty." Then I let out a horrific fart. FML
Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML
Today, while I was hanging out with a cute girl, I slapped her ass playfully. She told me that she was going to get me back. She slapped my ass later that night unexpectedly while I was holding in a huge fart... It came out. FML
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