Today, I had to explain to my friend that being arrested isn't something a decent person should have on their bucket list. I had to explain this while bailing her out of jail. FML
Today, I realized how much it sucks to have the same name as my dad when I overheard my mom moan his name in bed. FML
Today, I dragged my boyfriend to see Les Misérables with me. He now refuses to communicate with me through any medium other than singing. Apparently, this is his revenge. FML
Today, I had to make a poster for social studies. I decided to write "Nice ass" in hieroglyphics. Turns out my teacher can read hieroglyphics. FML
Today, while I was pet-sitting for my boyfriend's parents, one of their dogs killed one of their kittens. FML
Today, I smelled chicken nuggets and asked my boyfriend if he was making some. He wasn't. It was my armpits. FML
Today, my mom and I got the answer to the question, "Is our dog really dumb enough to jump out of the window of a moving vehicle?" The answer: Yes. FML
Today, my bully made me cry once again. It's been going on for weeks. I don't know who to turn to; I can't say anything because I'd get into even more trouble. He even stole my Nintendo 3DS and won't give it back. My bully is my girlfriend's son. He's 10. FML
Today, I was on a dinner date with a guy I really like. I guess I was on my phone too much because halfway through the date he sent me a text saying how much my half of the bill would be. FML
Today, a friend complimented me on my "smoky eyeshadow". I wasn't wearing eye makeup. She was complimenting the result of my insomnia. FML
Today, my parents favoritism towards my brother really shone through when we moved house and he got the nicest and by far biggest room. I wouldn't mind, but my brother is in college overseas and never comes home. FML
Today, I'm in a military academy with a strict no alcohol policy. My friends drunk call me practically every night to tell me how much fun they are having. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to one of the United States Mints since he enjoys coins. He looked at the money and seriously said, "I have such a hard on". He did. FML
Today, I accidentally texted a picture of my cock to my dad. FML
Today, I pretended to be deaf to a door to door salesman. He knew sign language. FML
Today, I woke up, got dressed, and left for the 1 hour drive to the nearest vet. When I arrived, I realized that I left my cat in its carrier on my kitchen counter. FML
Today, I was reminded that while I have a nice waist, bum and boobs, I'm unspeakably ugly. I was walking down the street when a guy wolf-whistled from behind me, and when I turned around, he visibly recoiled in disgust. FML
Today, I realized that my dog is an evil genius. As I sat down to have a snack, he barked as if he saw someone outside. I went to check it out, but nobody was there. When I returned, I found my dog on the table finishing off my bacon sandwich. FML
Today, my son's lemonade stand was robbed by a senior citizen. FML
Today, my neighbour came over with a bag containing lingerie, and apologized while blushing. Turns out his boy was the reason that my lingerie kept disappearing from my garden clothesline recently. His "boy" is over 20 years younger than me. FML
Today, my 6-year-old daughter threw a tantrum in the middle of a store, all because I wouldn't buy her a pushup bra. FML
Today, it was my first time having a make out session with my boyfriend. I got so nervous that a few minutes into it, I had to stop to take my inhaler. This happened twice more afterwards. FML
Today, I told my coworkers that I was going on a date tonight so they would think I have a social life. One of them spotted me while I was eating alone at McDonalds. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to the doctor's for an ultrasound, as I'm 7 months pregnant. Then he went home and took his wife out to dinner for her birthday. FML
Today, being so desperate for money, I accepted a job in which I get shot at with paintballs for six hours. FML
Today, my financial troubles got so bad, I contemplated visiting a friend simply so I could swipe their deodorant. FML
Today, I have to go on a 7-hour-bus ride sitting beside my ex-boyfriend's mother. We broke up because she told him to. FML
Today, I was at my in-laws' house, and as I was walking to the living room I had my hands on the back of my hips supporting my back. My mother-in-law told me to stop because it makes me look pregnant. I'm 9 months pregnant. FML
Today, I had to call a plumber out to clear a blockage in our bathroom drainpipe. After coming back from work later in the day, and after a tearful confession from my wife, I found out that pipe wasn't the only one he snaked. FML
Today, my little sister is having a friend spend the night. Our rooms are right next to one another and the walls are thin. We are now entering the fourth hour of a singing contest so off-key that it should be illegal. FML
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