Today, I brutally stabbed a guy to death for smiling at me, then puked and fainted. Then I woke up in bed, panicking, sweating like a pig and crying because I thought my dream was real and I was going to go to prison. I'm never taking sleeping medication again. FML
Today, my girlfriend is as punctual as a German train; I woke up to see her taking a dump into a plastic bag in our bedroom, all because my roommate was using the bathroom and she had to leave for work on time. FML
Today, I walked into my room and watched as my fanatically religious mother sniffed the used tissues in my trash bin to make sure I wasn't masturbating. FML
Today, my 6-year-old daughter touched a tray I'd just pulled out of the oven. I quickly swatted her hand away, but then noticed she wasn't hurt or burned at all. I then gingerly touched the tray and got scalded. My daughter giggled maniacally as I screamed. To be honest, I'm now terrified of her. FML
Today, while on my first ever date, I ordered a really hot curry, hoping to impress my date. "Yeah," I said smoothly, "not everyone can handle spicy food." When I took a bite, my eyes watered, my mouth burned, and I had to plead for water in between moaning like a dying baboon. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I found out I have diabetes. She thought it was an STD and I had cheated on her. So I explained what it really was and she dumped me again because she didn't want her future children to inherit my fucked up DNA. FML
Today, I had to stand up on a train for my 4-hour journey. Why? Two pregnant women flew into unbridled rage with me over sitting in the priority seating, saying I was selfish. I'm recovering from spinal surgery. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He did it over Snapchat because he said he didn't want to hear me sad over the phone and wanted to save data. Three years down the drain. FML
Today, my mother told me I should volunteer in Africa, because I might "get lucky, catch malaria and come back skinny". FML
Today, I made some brownies to take over to my dad's place for his party. He started yelling at me when I told him I'd added a special ingredient for taste, demanding to know what I had slipped them. Cinnamon. It was cinnamon. FML
Today, I took my boyfriend to dinner to meet my parents. He agreed to be on his best behavior, but when my mom told us about some shady stuff going on at her job, he replied that it sounded "fishier than Justin Bieber's cunt." We were quickly kicked out. FML
Today, I started a new job at a family owned business. About ten minutes into training, the mother and father started an argument that ended in each of them storming off, demanding a divorce. FML
Today, after 4 days of avoiding me and screening his calls, my 24-year-old boyfriend sent his mother to break up with me on his behalf. FML
Today, I was clipping my nails. When I got to my toenail, the whole thing somehow ripped right out. I'm in agony. FML
Today, I got dragged into playing doubles tennis. It was me and my wife against her parents. I wound up hitting the ball too hard. My mother-in-law, who has the reaction times of a comatose turtle, got nailed. Everyone's convinced I did it on purpose because of our mutual hatred of each other. FML
Today, while trying to calm down my four-year-old son who was having a tantrum in a store, a man walked up to me and said, "You couldn't have worn a condom?" FML
Today, my clinical instructor told me to stop being so negative, to get over myself, and to focus on nursing school. I'm only distracted because 3 days ago I was told I might have colon cancer. FML
Today, the AC broke in the kitchen of the restaurant I work at. Temperatures reached over 100 degrees and one of my coworkers nearly passed out. Our boss accused us of being "dramatic" and only let us step out after I collapsed. I need this job too badly to quit. FML
Today, I got banned from a suicide prevention forum for "attention seeking." FML
Today, my wedding celebration came to an awkward pause when my dad slapped my mom across the face and called her a whore after she admitted to having an affair. FML
Today, I walked in on my teenage son passionately making out with one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML
Today, the guy I've been seeing for a little over a week proposed to me. FML
Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbors attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML
Today, my brother slapped me across the face with a piece of raw chicken for not liking his Instagram post. FML
Today, while I was in the bathroom my mom walked in and tried to have a conversation with me about my bowel movements. I'm 23, and this is a regular thing. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he doesn't know why I think deepthroating is so uncomfortable. To prove his point, he grabbed my dildo and effortlessly slid it down his throat. FML
Today, I gave my virginity to my boyfriend. All I got in return was rug burn and an infection. FML
Today, my mom and dad went to court to negotiate child support for me and my brothers. During the meeting, my dad was asked, "Sir, are you saying that the only reason you want your sons to live with you full time is so you don't have to pay child support?" To which he responded, "Yes." FML
Today, my boyfriend found out that male goats will stick their tongues out, snort, and garble at female goats in heat. Now he's doing it to me at all manner of times, sound effects and all. I now know why goats ram their heads into things repeatedly. FML
Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend because she wanted to be with a man who has an income and a stable career. We are seniors in college and I accepted a really good job offer which I start once I graduate, which she knows about. She dumped me for a drug dealer. FML
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