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Today, my parents sat me down and told me that I'm adopted. I took it in stride, and reassured them that as far as I'm concerned, they're my true parents. That annoyed them. Apparently the whole thing was a prank for a YouTube video, which I ruined by not crying or freaking out. FML

Today, I was called in over speakers at the airport. The man who was speaking clearly and nearly burst out laughing when he said my name. Soon, a few people around also snickered when they heard it. I had to wait five minutes before I could casually stand up. My last name is Bastard. FML

Today, I won a gruelling fitness competition, only to find out the mystery prize was a voucher to get 10 free spray tans. I'm black. FML

Careless Whisper

Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me. Her response was to impersonate a saxophone. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She just grabbed the ring and said in a raspy voice, "My precious..." FML

Today, I was walking my dogs when a woman at a bus stop quite rudely exclaimed, "Keep those mutts away from my kid". I replied just as rudely that I wouldn't want them anywhere near her dirty sprog. It was then we both realised she was a customer that I regularly talk to at work. FML

Sneaky

Today, I found out my son was never accepted into the local university two years ago. He actually went out and got a job, and only lied about it so he could keep living in my house rent-free. The conniving bastard makes more than I do at my minimum-wage job. FML

Better out than in

Today, some wannabe molester actually used the "Do you know who my dad is?!" line on me as I threw him out of a club. Turns out his dad is my boss's brother. I'm now searching for a new job. FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She said no because she doesn't want to be tied down for the rest of her life. We already have 3 children, a mortgage, and joint bank accounts. How much more tied down could we possibly get? FML

Lookin' good

Today, I took a nap on the couch. Apparently, my wife decided to put makeup all over my face as I slept. She didn't tell me until after I went to the gas station to grab some beer. Looks like I will have to find a new place to buy beer from now on. FML

Sex work is work

Today, I got a call from my dad asking if I was a porno actress. I am. FML

Caught in 4K

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. I wanted to tease him, so I got his attention and made my orgasm face when I thought no one was looking. His thirteen year-old cousin saw and now bursts out laughing whenever he sees me. FML

Today, I tried asking a guy I like on a date. He turned me down, saying that I "seem like a nice person and all", but after seeing those reality shows on truTV, he "would rather not date a Russian. No offense, though." FML

Today, I found out that the only reason my "friend" comes over to my apartment is so that she can charge her phone using my electricity, because she's too cheap to use her own. FML

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a father. Too bad I can't tell my wife. FML

Rough

Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML

Today, I was using the restroom when a little girl tried to open my stall. It was locked, so she slid under the door and tried to have a conversation with me while I was pooping. FML

Today, I introduced my first serious boyfriend to my mother over dinner. He is Asian. My mom insisted on calling him "Ching Chong". His name is Kevin. FML

Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

Today, I found out while skiing that my dad likes to call me Pimple because I have a pink coat and white helmet. He has tried to squeeze me. FML

Today, I told my mom I was going to a New Year's party. She told me to be back by midnight. FML

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML

Today, I was walking to the bus stop when someone slapped an innocent person in the face with a fish. I was that innocent person. FML

Shattered

Today, I was apparently tired enough to spray silly string under my armpits rather than deodorant. FML

Today, my boyfriend gave me twelve roses and told me that he would love me until the last one dies. Remembering the Facebook like, I began looking for the fake one but couldn't find it. When I pointed out that all twelve were real and would die within days, he responded, "Exactly." FML

Today, I found out that Google+ has been automatically uploading my cell phone pictures as I take them. My friends have now seen pictures of me, my penis, and other things too horrifying to talk about. FML

Today, while driving to work in heavy traffic, I got so into the song I was listening to that I tapped my foot on the gas to the beat. I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust. FML

Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML

Today, I was sitting at the mall food court, and wearing a "Blink If You Want Me" shirt. A guy walked by, saw my shirt, and made a point of holding a staring contest with me before moving on. FML