Nicolette1996

Today, after going down on my boyfriend, we were cuddling and I went to kiss him. Just before I could reach his lips, he ran his finger over my mouth and whispered, "S-s-s-semen." FML

Today, I went to Hollister with my grandmother. She immediately started yelling about the music being too loud, and ordered the staff to "shut the damn thing off". She was yelling at a bunch of mannequins. FML

Today, my mom told me that I'll never get married if my cooking skills don't improve. My boyfriend agrees. FML

Big boy

Today, I took my pet rabbit to the vet because I had noticed his genitals looked swollen compared to my other rabbit's. It turns out he's just "gifted". The vet laughed at me. FML

Today, my towel was stolen at the swimming pool. I quickly found the culprit, and to avoid a conflict, I just swiped it back when he wasn't looking. I felt pretty good about everything, until I got back home and realized it wasn't actually my towel after all. FML

Today, a highly intoxicated man came into my workplace and complained that the medicine that I'd prescribed for his dog almost choked him. I work at Blockbuster. FML

Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

Nope, just nope

Today, I went on a blind date that my friends set up. Not only did my date visibly recoil at the sight of me, she ended up trying to convince me that we're actually cousins. When I told her how absurd that was, she muttered, "Fuck it" and left. FML

Today, my boyfriend of five years gave me the silent treatment, refusing to talk to me or do anything more than glare at me during the entire three hour drive we took this morning. Why? Because I slept with his best friend. In his dream last night. FML

Today, at the request of my girlfriend, I took a ruler with me into the shower to measure myself. Later on, at the dinner table, my mom asked me, "so, how big is it?" I had forgotten to take the ruler out of the shower. FML

It's just windy

Today, my mom's intense fear of tornadoes caused her to break into the bathroom, drag me off the toilet while I was changing my tampon, and drag me to the basement with my pants around my ankles to join my father, brother, and my brother's best friend. FML

Today, I found out that when you chase a couple of squirrels off your porch for irritating your dogs, sometimes they chase you back. FML

Today, while reading over my sent application email to a job I have been trying to get, I found out my brother had put "Heil Hitler!" as my signature. FML

Today, I was on the London underground reading a newspaper. A huge guy was sitting next to me and there weren't many other people around. As I turned a page, he leaned into me, glaring, and said, "I'm not finished yet". At the next stop I put down the paper and jumped off. It wasn't even my stop. FML

Today, it was my dad's birthday. As a joke, I got him one of those big erasers that say, "FOR BIG MISTAKES." He opened it, tried to erase me with it, then said, "It doesn't work." and left. FML

Today, a man started a deep conversation with me at the bus stop about life, death, and the miracles of things we take for granted every day. I was really enjoying it until he looked at his watch and said, "Oh shit, mushrooms make me lose track of time!" and ran off into the night. FML

Today, I had to go into school for the third time this week because my son is claiming he's on bath salts and biting all his classmates. My son is 16. FML

Today, my mother has issued a 'Christmas Ultimatum'. The rest of us have exactly 2 days to "get some Christmas around here" or we will feel her wrath. FML

Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML

OK?

Today, I learned that the only reason most of my students come to my lectures is that they have a running bet on how many times I say "OK" in two hours. It was 137 last week. FML

Today, I had to sit and smile as a drunk lady ranted about how body hair on a woman is disgusting and unfeminine, then in the next breath say that only pedos like women who shave their vaginas. That's the last time I ever have dinner with my boyfriend's parents. FML

Today, my laptop got hit by a Trojan. Not the malware, but a used condom thrown from a car driving past as I sat on a street bench. FML

Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML

Self report

Today, I had a meeting with my super-hot TA. When I got to her office, she complimented me for being early, to which I thoughtfully replied, "Oh, I usually come early." She laughed. FML

Today, the Star Wars Cantina song had been stuck in my head since I woke up, as my brother was humming it. I finally managed to get it out of my head. Then my mom started to whistle it. It's stuck in my head again. FML

Catfishing 101

Today, I realized the sweet, sensitive girl I was talking to on a dating site was actually my brother trolling me for fun. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to take a jog in an area we never been before. We then got lost. She actually thought that the tattoo on her arm of an open compass with north, east, south, and west would help us. FML

Today, I asked a boy I like to prom by writing all over his car. After nervously sitting by the phone all day, I decided to go out to get lunch. I found the word "No!" written all over my car. FML

Sneeeeek!

Today, I went out to get milk from the garage fridge for my mom. The moment I stepped out, my foot settled on the neighbor's boa, who likes to escape. After my mom finally opened the door to my frantic shouting, she spotted the snake, slammed the door, and locked both of us outside. FML

Ungrateful!

Today, I explained to my dad that I had spent over three hours baking, frosting, and decorating a cake from scratch and how proud I was of it. Without even looking up at me, he replied, "You really need a boyfriend." FML