marulicko

Today, I got high for the first time. Apparently I called my vet and told him my goldfish was barking. I found out when he called me back later to make sure we were both okay. FML

Today, I was checking out of a hotel when I saw some complementary mints. They weren't mints. They were glass beads. FML

My body hates me

Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML

Today, I went with a couple of my friends to see a friend who's fallen very ill. Her dad walked in with a gun and demanded to know which of us had gotten his daughter pregnant. By the time I realized it was a joke, I'd already pissed myself. FML

Today, I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could get some feminine hygiene products. When we got there, he went running down the aisles yelling, "Help! My daughter's bleeding to death! Where're the tampons?!" FML

Today, I got back home from work and casually asked my dad, "What's up?" He casually replied, "Wishing I'd had a son instead." and stared glassy-eyed at me until I left the room. FML

Today, I was sitting on a bench at the local park, eating a banana. A guy old enough to be my grandfather walked by, turned to look at me, then said "Young man, I wish I were that banana." He walked away, and I almost blacked out choking on it in shock. FML

Today, I found out that when I asked my buddy to make sure my girlfriend was safe while I was abroad, he really did; he even used a condom. FML

LOL

Today, the guy I really like acknowledged my existence for the first time. Too bad it was through a text, saying, "lol ur a fat fukc". FML

Nice try

Today, this girl I've been talking to texted me, saying she was going to visit. Trying to be sweet, I bought her $50 worth of chocolate and a cute card. Turns out she meant to send that text to her ex. Seems like the only thing I'll get from this relationship is diabetes. FML

Zach from Extra Fabulous Comics Illustrated this FML!

Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML

Well played

Today, I found a book in my attic that I always read when I was a kid. For old times' sake I read it again. On the very first page, child me had written, "Go to page 15" so I did. On page 15, in big red letters, it said, "Get bent." I got pranked by myself. FML

Today, I offered "Girls Gone Wild" as an example of bad TV in my lecture thinking it was a reality TV show. It's porn. FML

Today, I walked into the kitchen at the exact moment my uncle decided to bend over in short shorts. Apparently, his ballsack decided it needed extra room, because it dangled out of his pant leg. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I tried roleplaying a teacher-student during sex. We're both studying to be actors, so we ended up going into a really deep, emotional storyline that didn't end in sex at all. FML

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light next to an ice cream van. The man in it turned to me and winked, making sexual hand gestures. I felt my childhood die horribly as I watched. FML

Today, I was getting a pedicure to cheer myself up. I've been so lonely, I got overly excited when someone sat next to me, because I got to pretend I had a friend. FML

Today, my dad got so drunk that he forgot my name. He started calling me "It". FML

Don't answer

Today, I thought I felt my cellphone vibrating. Turned out it was just my girlfriend letting out a vicious fart against my leg. FML

Today, I was so lonely, I caught myself whispering to my food just so I had someone to talk to. FML

Jump scare

Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML

Silver linings

Today, I found out the one good thing about having fat rolls: when someone walks in on you sitting on the toilet, they hide your private parts. FML

Today, I realized that at 20 years old I already have noticeable wrinkles around my eyes. But to balance it out, my chronic acne keeps me looking youthful. FML

Woot Canwal

Today, it was the fourth time I've had major dental work done, because my dentist messed up my root canal. After almost a dozen needles, three missed work days, over $1,000, and 2 broken tools, I only have a tiny, barely-successful filling to show for it. FML

Today, I had to babysit both my neighbor's 3-year-old daughter and my very pregnant cat. I left the room briefly, only to come back to a traumatized 3-year-old crying in horror as my cat gave birth in front of her. FML

Today, my grandpa came into my room and asked for a pen. As I gave it to him, he let rip the foulest fart I've ever smelled in my life, and walked out without a word. 2 hours later, the smell is not only still there, it's filled the room. Looks like I'm sleeping downstairs on the couch tonight. FML

Today, I helped a very large elderly man, who thanked me and tried to hand me a dollar bill. I kindly told him, "We are not allowed to accept tips from customers." His reply was, "You're going to take this fucking money," and shoved it in my pocket. I'm now being written up for it. FML

Today, I was in a good mood for once, but my professor looked at me and said, "I don't know what you ate for breakfast but you're really annoying today." FML

Spooked

Today, I came home late from work. As I got out of my car, I noticed a child-shaped silhouette in my bedroom window. I almost shat myself, since I live alone. I searched the whole house, sobbing in fear, only to find no trace of whatever or whoever I'd seen. FML

Today, I farted while asking a girl out to dinner. FML