hellausername

Today, I woke up to large spot of blood in my underwear. This wouldn't be too big a deal if I didn't have a penis. FML

Today, I'm so sleep-deprived, I got a boner from just thinking about falling asleep. FML

Today, I had to use a sick day from the school I teach at. While I was off, another teacher called me mid delirium, because my students were borderline rioting over the work I left for them. I'd asked them to read a book and edit the one-page essay they've had two weeks to work on. FML

Today, while I was working at a sushi restaurant, a guy told me he wanted the table next to the "koi fish tank", because he wanted to let the fish know what happens when they "cross him". FML

Today, I really had to pee during one of my college lectures. I finally worked up the nerve to leave the room while he was lecturing, and ran frantically to the bathroom. Once in there, the urge intensified to the point I couldn't hold it. I peed my pants while standing in the bathroom. FML

Today, we were running a special at work that I had previously been told was an online-only special. After the general manager corrected me, I used the joke excuse of, "It's my first day". The customer replied, "I can tell". I've worked there two years and I'm the assistant manager. FML

Today, I had to explain to my 27 year-old sister why a stainless steel fork isn't a good toy for my 8 month-old baby. Twice. FML

Today, I delivered a pizza to a former coworker. He answered the door with his pants below his ass and his junk hanging out of his boxers. FML

Today, I accidentally farted while shopping. There was an awkward silence followed by a god-awful stink and a lady's little girl bursting into tears. FML

Today, I rubbed chilli powder on my fingers in an attempt to kick the habit of biting my nails. Ten minutes later I went to the bathroom. It still burns. FML

Whole foods

Today, my 17 year-old daughter told me she was going to bake a cake. When she finished, she offered me some, but it was crunchy. I asked her why and she said the recipe said to put eggs in. She put them in whole. FML

Today, I decided to make new friends, so I sat with the lonely guy at lunch. Now he keeps following me, with his phone in a camera position. FML

Today, my dad posted on Facebook, apologizing to anyone he'd texted the night before. He said he'd gotten wasted and didn't mean anything he said. So much for that first ever "I'm proud of you" then. FML

Today, I suffered an uncontrollable sneezing attack. I have the runs. It wasn't exactly as bad as I'd have expected. Just a lot worse. FML

Today, after 6 months of university, sex was finally had in my bed. Unfortunately, I had no part in it, though I was in the bed while it happened. FML

Today, my dad came over and ordered me, a 43 year-old woman, to purchase a kitchen table. He and my sisters are embarassed that we are still using a plastic folding table. It doesn't matter to them that we have just spent over $30,000 on renovations. His cousins are coming from Italy. FML

Today, my boyfriend is mad at me for causing him to fail a science test. Apparently he thought I was serious when I told him that homo sapiens were extinct because they were "homo". FML

Early morning noise

Today, my girlfriend woke up, and while half-asleep, muttered, "What time is it? Have the neighbours started drilling again?" I'll try harder to keep my farts in from now on. FML

Today, a fly flew into my ear canal and got stuck. It was the most horrifying two minutes of my life. FML

Today, my friend used my phone to tag some of my overweight Facebook friends in a weight-loss video, along with the comment "Here's some motivation, fatasses!" I was able to delete the post, but not before I got a bunch of angry messages. FML

Today, an old man wanted to return a fryer. The box had blood smears all over it, so I told him no. He became irate and demanded a manager. Management said, "Hell no and don't touch that box." When I came back, he was licking a paper towel and attempting to wipe off the blood. FML

Pit stop

Today, I had an accident at work. Not the kind involving worker's compensation. The kind involving desperately scrubbing my office chair with paper towels, before going home to change my pants. FML

Pros and cons

Today, my ex stole my car keys. Good news is she can't drive stick. Bad news is she set my car on fire. FML

Today, my friend and I were walking down my neighborhood when he joked that my car was being stolen when one that looked exactly like it passed. It was my car. FML

Today, nearly six months later, my incompetent, lazy coworker still refuses to believe I didn't screw my way to the promotion both of us were competing for. FML

Today, I gave my boss a ride home from work. I had my phone on hands-free mode, so all calls would come through on speaker. I got a call from the new job I was applying at, with my boss listening to each word. FML

Freudian

Today, I've been so accustomed to kissing my girlfriend that when I gave my best bud a hug, I kissed him on the neck. FML

Today, my aunt's last words to me were, "Don't be an idiot". FML

Today, a student came out to me, saying that she thinks she's gay. This has happened several times since I have taught here, which made me wonder why they were comfortable telling me. Turns out being a single, childless woman of my age screams "lesbian" to this particular community. I'm not. FML

Today, I found out why people in my new neighborhood keep giving me weird looks. For a laugh, my brother had gone around telling them I'm a parolee, and implying that I couldn't be trusted around their children. FML