Topasofmagic

Today, while having hot sex with my boyfriend, I was experiencing my very first orgasm. Right when my mother walked in. We had no blankets. FML

Today, I decided to cut class with one of my friends and we ended up going to Burger King. As we sat down at the table, I heard my name being called. My mum was getting lunch through the drive thru with my little brother and saw my car parked out front. FML

Today, my step-mom yelled at me for an hour, calling me a slut because our male dog saw me naked. FML

Today, I asked out my best friend via facebook graffiti. He then accidentally wrote his rejection as his status instead of on my wall. More people liked his status than the number of friends I have on facebook. FML

Today, I was applying some acne ointment. The directions said, "Apply a thin layer, covering the entire affected area." In other words, for me: My entire face. Lovely. FML

Today, I got locked inside my office again by my co-workers because they had forgotten I was still around when they left. This happens 1 or 2 times a week. FML

Today, my dog is mad at me due to the fact that earlier in the day I ate 2 peanut butter cookies. Apparently, they were his dog treats. I had no idea. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided he would do his job while I did my "job" on top of him. He whips out his Blackberry and completely ignores me to send e-mails to co-workers reminding them about the 10 a.m. meeting scheduled for the next morning. FML

Today, I realised that every morning my girlfriend gets me to help her put on a locket her ex-boyfriend bought her on Valentine's Day. FML

So touching…

Today, my boyfriend of five years finally asked me to marry him. He said, "We could save on taxes if we got married… What do you think?" That was the most romantic thing he's said to me in the last two years. FML

Today, I walked in on my dad touching his knob, in the kitchen, while cooking. FML

Today, I picked up my four year old son from daycare. As I was putting him in his car seat, I asked him if he had fun. He yelled, "Shut it, bitch!" FML

Today, I lied when my therapist asked why I preferred Tuesday morning appointments. It's actually because World of Warcraft is down for regularly scheduled maintenance. FML

Well played, you mutt

Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. Five minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog had shat in the exact same spot, apparently to make me look stupid. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the bed, when he started to tickle me. I tried to pull away but he pushed me back down. I ended up hitting my eye on the corner of the nightstand. His comment was "this is why you shouldn't struggle." FML

Today, my three housemates got into a huge fight and ended up declaring their undying hatred for each other. They now refuse to talk to each other, and I've become their go-between. Yesterday, we signed the lease for another year in the house together. FML

You're back!

Today, I heard that one of our customers had passed away. Saddened, I told everyone who came into our shop about his death. Understandably, some customers got very upset and one even fainted. Suddenly, the "dead" man walked into the shop. Turns out I got the name wrong. FML

Happy something

Today, I was watching TV and started freaking out thinking I forgot to wish my boyfriend a happy anniversary. I wrote him a text and after I'd sent it, I realized that the date is mine and my ex's anniversary date. FML

Today, my husband of 30 years told me that he thought we should 'just be friends'. FML

Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML

Today, I was rear-ended while at a stop sign, by my driving instructor. FML

Today, my mom got drunk and told me to leave the house because "I've been mooching off her for too long". I'm 14 and now am sleeping at my friends house. FML

Confidently incorrect

Today, my boss yelled at me for ruining the report she was supposed to write with my "terrible spelling and grammar". I've checked it thoroughly, and all of her 'corrections' are wrong. She doesn’t believe me, and is refusing to look at a dictionary. FML

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been cut, they were still going to be playing on the school's volleyball team. The rumor going around is that everyone who tried out made the team. I never got a call back. FML

Today, I found pictures in my boyfriend's phone of our dog eating treats out of my mouth while I'm sleeping. FML

Divine

Today, I went to my doctor. I casually asked him why I keep getting headaches after I masturbate. He said it probably was a sign from God. FML

Today, my husband bleached his hair so, "our future kids will have blond hair too." I'm already married to this guy. FML

Today, I got a new job. This would've been a good thing, but apparently, the person I'm replacing was very well-liked around my workplace. All of my co-workers hate me now for replacing someone who I don't even know. FML