Topasofmagic

Today, I fell off my desk chair. Why? I failed to notice that the screws I'd been finding on the floor around my room for the past few months belonged to said chair. FML

Today, I joined a dating website and spent all day filling out and improving my profile. My first match is a guy who relentlessly tried to date me for all 4 years of high school. Now he just has more reasons to tell me how much we're meant to be. We're a 97% match. FML

Today, I sent my long-distance girlfriend the first photo of me I'd sent her in a while. It was a photo of me with some of my friends. She didn't know which one I was. FML

Today, I was invited to a birthday dinner at a restaurant. As I was leaving, I get a text from the birthday girl's boyfriend saying that it was cancelled. Hungry, I decided to go to that particular restaurant anyway. Turns out the party wasn't cancelled. Half the party just didn't want me there. FML

Today, I was written up because my manager heard me insulting a customer. How did I insult her? I called her grandma. Who did I say this to? My grandma. FML

Flirtatious bubble

Today, at work, I was standing at the till helping an attractive man. I have a cold and could feel the snot bubbling up. He orders and we flirt for a bit. Just as I'm about to hand him his product, I sneeze quite loudly and forcefully all over his face. Guess I won't be getting that number. FML

Today, I visited my boyfriend's house excited about the romantic night he promised me. As time passed, we started making out and heading up to his room. Rose petals and candles filled his room. "How romantic", I thought. That is, until we saw his 5 year old sister blowing up condom balloons. FML

Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend money on a cake, so my dad made this delicious apple ring. At least, it was great until my mouth began to itch and my throat closed. I have been allergic to nuts since birth, and my dad put walnuts in my birthday cake. FML

Gross

Today, I dropped my keys in the toilet. While in the kitchen looking for something to fish them out with, I heard a door slam. My sister had to use the bathroom and didn’t see my keys in the toilet before sitting down. Lucky me, I caught her just as she was about to flush. FML

Today, I had a minor outpatient procedure that required sedation. I am not supposed to drive or even be alone for 24 hours. My husband wouldn't take the day off to go with me, and instead of coming home from work, he is at the bar with his coworkers. FML

My intention was…

Today, I saw a my neighbor being mugged on the street. I wanted to help, so I tried to yank her purse from the mugger's hands. I guess my neighbor didn't see me clearly, because she thought I was another mugger and kicked my directly in the Hacky Sacks. FML

Bad mom

Today, my daughter's school called to inform me that I needed to bring her some sneakers. Not feeling like driving the 15 minutes to her school, I told them I was away from town. Then I realized I was on my house phone. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious talk. He told me that I was a quick-tempered emotional train wreck. He then said, "You know how we talked about getting married? Now the only way I'd marry you was if hell froze over." He smiled, gave me a kiss, and went to bed. FML

Today, the guy I have been seeing stopped me in the middle of sex and told me to finish him off by going down on him instead. After a few minutes, I looked up to discover that the noises I had thought were moans of pleasure were actually the sounds of him snoring. FML

Today, it was my 18th birthday. Nobody said anything. Gillette sent me a free razor though. FML

Today, I found out my happily married father has been hiring escorts on-line for 3 years. FML

Today, after 22 years of perfect skin, I woke up with a bunch of angry zits on my nose. I used a clay face mask that was supposed to dry them out. Instead, they were bigger and green. Today is Valentine's day, I finally have a guy to go out with, and my nose looks like it's rotting off. FML

Today, I found out that my most amazing spring break ever, will be spent stuck on a ship with my ex. It's been almost two years, and he still isn't over me. Yay. This cruise shall be fun. FML

Today, I was working as a cashier at a restaurant. When I receive $50 and $100 bills I am required to have a manager check to make sure they are not counterfeit. Every manager I found yelled at me to find another manager because they were busy. Frustrated, I just accepted the bill. It was fake. FML

As you were

Today, I walked over to my grandmother's house to pay her a visit. I politely knocked on the door, and there was no answer. Fearing that something had happened, I violently broke down the door to find my grandma and her new 80 year-old boyfriend having sex. FML

Giving up

Today, my husband decided he will be a 'stay at home' dad. We have two cats. No kids. FML

Today, my sister was on television. It would have been great if she weren't being handcuffed for burglary. FML

When love breaks down

Today, my boyfriend actually offered me $1000 to break up with him, and to move back to where my family lives 5 hours away. FML

Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML

Today, I couldn't fall asleep till 3am and was woken approximately every hour or so. Why? I found out my new upstairs neighbors have a very active love life. She's a screamer. FML

Today, while at work at a new job, my brother comes and takes my car. Along with all my money, my phone, and whatever else I had in my purse. His message to me through one of my co-workers was "walk home." FML

Today, my dad asked me for a word that rhymed with vagina. He was filling out an anniversary card for my mom. FML

Proud dad

Today, I was playing my bass clarinet around the house. I asked my dad if he would be at my concert on December 16th. His response was, "No, I'm working that day." My dad is a plumber, and gets called to work completely at random; he has no schedule. FML

Leave me alone

Today, I was called 15 times by a "good redneck boy" that my Mom is trying to set me up with. He has called me at least 5 times a day for the past week. My Mom is still encouraging him to call. I had to unplug the phone because I feel stalked in my own dorm. FML

Today, I wanted to try my mom's new lipstick. I opened it, baffled, examined it carefully. That's when it started to vibrate. Obviously, that wasn't a lipstick. FML