burningmidnight

Today, I woke up and rolled out of bed. I'm on the top mattress of a bunk bed. We have tile floors. FML

Today, I found out that my father asked my best friend to marry him. He's 38 and we're 18. She said yes. FML

Don't ass-u-me

Today, I was at the beach with my friend on vacation. We were playing Marco Polo in the ocean and I was Marco. I thought I heard my friend, so I lunged forward and grabbed her. Too bad it wasn't my friend, it was an old guy in a pink speedo, and I grabbed his butt. FML

Today, I'm travelling to England for an important meeting. I'm Norwegian, and my name is Bård. I have to introduce myself as "bored" the whole day, because that's how my name is pronounced. FML

Small world

Today, at my job as a cake decorator in a bakery, I put the finishing touches on the wedding cake of the man who left me at the altar 3 years ago. FML

Today, I discovered that my bed has a flea infestation. I discovered it after sleeping naked in it for about an hour. FML

Today, I work at a debt collections center and I had to call my own father. Merry Christmas. FML

Today, my girlfriend left me for my sister. I can't stop thinking about all those days they went out alone for "girl time." FML

Bad sign

Today, I finally told my girlfriend I love her. She corrected my grammar. FML

Today, while on the treadmill, my iPod fell and shot out underneath my feet. I got off to get it, and when I tried to get back on, I slipped and fell on my face on the moving track. The whole gym watched me get beat up by a treadmill and clapped when I finally got back on. FML

DMV blues

Today, I went to the DMV to renew my license. When I gave the woman behind the desk my name and social security number she looked confused. She then called over her manager, who did the same thing. Getting nervous, I asked what was wrong. Apparently, according to the state of Illinois, I'm dead. FML

Today, after months of trying, my wife of seven years told me she is finally pregnant. I'm going to be an uncle. FML

Who's this?

Today, I came home for lunch. I saw a sandwich on the table with a note saying, "I hope we can have a healthy new relationship, Love, Carissa." I saw another note from my girlfriend next to it saying, "I hope you enjoy your new relationship with Carissa." Carissa is my new step-mother. FML

Today, my father yelled at me for changing one of his two programmable seat positions in his car because he uses both. Apparently, #1 is for sober driving and #2 is for high/drunk driving. Go dad. FML

Today, I found my boyfriend making out with my mom. FML

Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML

Self-esteem boost

Today, I have been dating an incredibly gorgeous woman. She had a poor self image and after the longest time, I finally convinced her to seek counselling to help her self esteem. It worked. So well in fact that she just broke up with me because she "finally realized she could do so much better" FML

Today, I was picking up my little sister from school and while waiting I decided to have a smoke. I was caught and was told to go to the principal's office. I'm 23. FML

Today, I was getting a pedicure, and they used some sort of scrubby thing that really tickled my feet. When I couldn't take it any more, I accidentally kicked the lady who was doing my nails in the face. FML

Casual

Today, my mother urged me to "get over this lesbian thing and give me some grandkids." In front of my girlfriend of eleven months. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were in my basement. I play drums and guitar very well. My girlfriend bet me $50 that she could play better than me. I made the bet, but what I didn't know was that she had been taking both drum and guitar lessons since she was 5. I just lost $50. FML

Today, after a 9 hour train journey through the Polish mountains, I mistook a small black and white cat for a penguin. FML

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

Today, I found out that I'm not actually pregnant. I've apparently been having a hysterical pregnancy because I want a child so badly. I don't know which was worse, the look of relief on my husband's face or having to send a mass email to inform my family and friends. FML

Today, one of my friends pointed out I'm starting to get a mustache! - "You're finally a man!" To bad it's my 15th birthday, and I'm a girl. FML

Today, my boyfriend of two years said he would finally take me somewhere romantic. I spent my day at a Star Wars convention. FML

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of one week is suicidal and crazy about me. She showed me that she'd carved her old boyfriend's name in her arm, and she threatened suicide if I ever left her. FML

Today, while on my graveyard shift at an inner-city backpackers lodge, a drunk pissed in a dorm at 4am. I had to clean up after him, wash all the luggage that got dowsed, clean up 2 separate piles of puke, and help 3 drunken Brits back to their room while they abused me. I have a science degree. FML

Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML

Today, I learnt that if you accidentally sit on a hamster, instead of dying, it bites your testicles. FML