Today, I was awakened, in the middle of the night, by the sound of crying coming from outside. There's a mile in between houses where I live. FML
Today, I tried to see if you can kick yourself in the nuts. You can. FML
Today, I found out that my 50-year-old Father is the 'Sugar Daddy' to a 20-year-old. He wasted my college funds on her, which I have been dutifully saving for ever since I was 10. FML
Today, I have to spend over an hour at a Gamestop so my boyfriend can get his 'Final Fantasy' game at midnight. I'm tired, I don't want to stand around any more, and all the people around around me are debating superheroes. I'm living in an episode of 'The Big Bang Theory.' FML
Today, I was driving back home after hanging out with some friends. I drove pass a woman standing next to a broken down car. I felt bad, so went back and offered her a ride home. Turns out it wasn't her car and she was a hooker. FML
Today, I was in a movie when my boyfriend sent out a mass text saying that he'd just lost his virginity. FML
Today, my boyfriend of more than two years told me in front of all of our friends that he'd trade me for some Playstation 3 games. I laughed it off because I thought he was kidding. He made it clear that he was serious. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend saying, "I shall be the prince, and you shall be the princess," to his hamster. Once he saw me, he quickly turned to the hamster and said, "I have to go. The dragon is here." FML
Today, my dad screamed at me, called me a monster, told me he wanted me to move out, and that I better start looking for an apartment. Why? I slammed the microwave door. FML
Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML
Today, my husband decided he will be a 'stay at home' dad. We have two cats. No kids. FML
Today, I found out my 19 year-old daughter is pregnant. The father is a toss up between my 45 year-old best friend, and the 30 year-old guy who cleans our pool. FML
Today, in math class, I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it. I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I farted. Loudly. FML
Today, my hot co-worker had to use my computer, so he called me while I was at lunch for my login password. It was his name. FML
Today, I politely asked my friend if she would repay me the £20 she owes me. She shouted at me, called me an insensitive bitch, and refuses to pay me back as apparently she can't afford to. Her holiday to Italy next week begs to differ. FML
Today, my mother continued her lifelong habit of talking to anyone who isn't white in extremely slow, exaggerated "caveman" English. She insists that she isn't being racist, but rather is helping. FML
Today, I met the man of my dreams. Beautiful, smart, academic, charming, a true gentlemen, totally my type. I am at a bar voted "the best gay bar in the world". FML
Today, my boyfriend of one year broke up with me. He's been in jail for the last four months. I paid for his very expensive lawyer. FML
Today, I got woken up by Hallelujah blasting outside my apartment windows for 30 minutes straight. FML
Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he would do if I were to get pregnant. Expecting him to give me a cute and supportive answer, he replied, "We'd be finding you a nice flight of stairs to accidentally fall down." FML
Today, my friend and I offered a hot girl a lift home from campus. I was sitting in the passenger seat and she climbed in behind me. As I adjusted my seat forward to give her more leg room, my friend pulled off - slamming my seat back into her legs. FML
Today, I received a 7-page text message during school from my mom yelling at me because I ate her cereal. FML
Today, I swerved to miss hitting a kitten, over-corrected, hit and killed the cat, and totaled my truck by hitting a parked car. FML
Today, I tried to jump through the closing train doors to make it in on time. I missed. FML
Today, my dad finally told me why he never paid child support to my mom when he was supposed to for the last ten years. His reason? Because I'm a girl and I wasn't that important. FML
Today, my boyfriend said he wants a Hello Kitty wedding. FML
Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years dumped me, because I'd changed too much for her to bear, and I was breaking her heart. How did I change? I got braces. FML
Today, I realized that even though I've taken three years of Spanish, the only words and phrases I can remember are from Dora the Explorer. FML
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