Today, I discovered that my roommate uses her Twitter account to complain about me. FML
Today, I realized what all the women I've been with have in common: Craigslist. FML
Today, I put out a fire. Sadly, it was on my doorstep because someone had lit a bag of dog poop. FML
Today, I'm meeting my boyfriend's very conservative parents for the first time, so I decided to dress appropriately and curl my hair to match. In doing so, I accidentally touched my neck with the iron, and I now have a burn there that look a lot like a hickey. FML
Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML
Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend reached over and pinched my love handles and said "Where did this muffin top come from?". Then he sang "Do you know the muffin man?" to me. FML
Today, my step-mom yelled at me for an hour, calling me a slut because our male dog saw me naked. FML
Today, I found out I can sneak out of my house... but not back in. FML
Today, I discovered that my sister coloured in the pages of my college text books with Sharpie as "revenge." FML
Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML
Today, I found out that the so-called vegetarian soy sauce my mom has made for me several times has minced meat in it. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML
Today, I work at a pizza place and one of my jobs is to spoon crushed red pepper into bags. After I finished this, without thinking to wash my hands first, I used the bathroom. It still burns. FML
Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was, "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML
Today, at work, I was talking to a customer. She kept shaking her head "no" at everything I said. I asked what she was disagreeing with. She told me she has Parkinson's Disease, teared up, and asked to speak to my manager. FML
Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML
Today, I was playing a math game with a 4th grade boy (I'm a college graduate). I cheated during the entire game, and still lost 7 of the 9 rounds we played. FML
Today, I saw a pregnant woman fall off her moped. As I helped her back up, I asked if her baby was okay. I was then blindsided by her brick of a purse while she screeched, "I'm not pregnant!" FML
Today, I finally quit my job after talking with a friend about making our own design/multimedia company. While I was on my way to his house, he called me and told me not to quit because he got an awesome job offer and couldn't refuse. FML
Today, I got chased, threatened and assaulted by a cab driver because I wouldn't take the credit card receipt. FML
Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML
Today, I'm 20 and I'm going bald. FML
Today, my 10-year-old brother won the poem contest at his school. Since then he won’t stop bugging me with them. FML
Today, I get to see my boyfriend again after a month. So I decided to shave my pubic hair in the shape of a heart. After my little striptease, he gasped in admiration "Aaaw, Batman sign!" FML
Today, my boss asked me, "Can I give you some constructive criticism?" I said yes. He told me, "Your work is really shit. You have no talent and I can't figure out why I hired you." FML
Today, I fell in love with a girl who used to love me. She doesn't anymore. FML
Today, I'm 20 years old and never been kissed. FML
Today, like every month, the beautician spent 10 minutes removing the hairs from my stomach. I'm a girl. FML
Today, my mother bought me Mickey Mouse shaped burgers for my dinner. I'm 19. FML
Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML
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