Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I told her best friend the plan the day before. I got reservations to a restaurant on the beach, and we were going to arrive via boat. She never showed. Her parents called me asking why she left town to go to Paris. FML
Today, I told my mom I was going on a date tonight. She laughed and didn't believe me. When I tried to convince her it was real, she got mad and grounded me for lying. I had to cancel the date. FML
Today, I was forced to spend New Years Eve with my strict/conservative parents in the middle of nowhere in Illinois. If I had nothing else, I looked forward to watching the ball drop in NYC. As the seconds counted down the T.V. shut off. Parental controls shut down cable at midnight. FML
Today, I was in agonizing pain and couldn't move. My parents said they couldn't take me to the ER until the football game on TV was over. FML
Today, I talked myself out of buying $1 candle at the Dollar Tree. That's how broke I am. FML
Today, I locked myself, drunk and naked, out of my hotel room. FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that sharing a bed with me was like sleeping with a seizing cat. FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML
Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to Shrek's head. Never again will I be able to watch the movies. FML
Today, I went to see John Mayer. Being 6'2", I didn't think there would be any trouble seeing the stage, until three 6'6" men stood directly in front of me, pissed in a cup and managed to spill it over me. FML
Today, I spent the day studying with one of my classmates whom I've just met. While studying, she kept bragging about her boyfriend and decided to show me a picture of him. It was my boyfriend. FML
Today, I learned that when you put duct tape over your mouth because you are bored, it really hurts taking it off. FML
Today, my friend decided to pants me in the middle of the mall. I wasn't wearing underwear. FML
Today, I saw Avatar in iMax 3D. Towards the end of the movie I jump, yelled, and spilled my drink all over the people in front of me because I thought a burning piece of ash landed on my leg. FML
Today, my niece offered me a slice of cake. After I refused, she asked, "Why not? Aren't fat people always hungry?" FML
Today, I found out that I was being laid off via an email that wasn't even spell checked. FML
Today, my long-term boyfriend took me to my favorite restaurant. After the main course, he knelt down and finally proposed to me. I was so happy, I almost cried. Until an old woman came over and said I was way too old for him. I'm three years younger than my fiancé. FML
Today, I was sitting in IHOP with my girlfriend of six months when she brought in her son of three years she had neglected to tell me about, and asked 'Does this change things?' FML
Today, I was pondering the meaning of life - why I'm here, why anyone is here, why go on, and whether it's worth it… Then it hit me. The football in the head, not the meaning of life. FML
Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML
Today, I went to a camp my friend invited me to, thinking we'd just be roasting marshmallows all day and hanging out outside. Nope. It was a soul searching, "get closer to Jesus" camp. The first five hours were spent repeatedly praying and singing. I'm not a Christian. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. This was after I saved several paychecks to afford to give her a weekend away for her birthday. Why did she end things so quick? Because apparently I'm balding faster than her Dad. I'm 20. FML
Today, I had to explain to my son that his dad was too busy in a raid on World of Warcraft to be at his award ceremony. FML
Today, I found out the love of my life, my husband, is cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, his response was, "Don't blame me, you're the gullible bitch." FML
Today, I found out the hard way that my boyfriend occasionally wets the bed. He's 25 and we're moving in together next month. FML
Today, my boss asked me if I could work on Valentine's Day because there was no chance of me having a date. She's right. FML
Today, I noticed that my neighbor's house has a clear view of my daughter's bathroom. There is a telescope in his window. FML
Today, my drunk mother got into a fight with the lady at Krystal burger. Why? "Because the bitch said they aren't making special orders." FML
Today, I found out the hard way that my girlfriend lied about being on the pill four months ago. FML
Today, a picture fell off of the wall in the middle of the night. It hit me smack bang in the middle of face. FML
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