Monsieur Célibataire
Today, my mom was sharing the story of how I was born with the umbilical cord around my neck. My sister added that it was God's first attempt to kill me off. FML
Today, my obese mother-in-law took her top off at our pool party, exposing her sagging breasts. When I told her to cover herself, she lifted her breasts, turned them inwards, and squeezed them together while staring me in the eyes. She kept doing this on and off for the next two hours. FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Today, my 16-year-old daughter burned all her baby photos because they were unflattering and made her "look fat". FML
Today, I tried to get my golden retriever to stand in front of our church for a very short time to illustrate the point of a sermon. When I brought my dog up, he mounted the pastor's leg and began humping him. FML
Today, the guy I love asked me if hooking up counted as dating, because he thinks I'm "super hot," but he doesn't want "all the relationship shit." FML
Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. - Mom and Dad." FML
Today, I went to a suicide prevention walk with a girl I like. Before the walk, we bought balloons to set free when they called the names of the deceased. To buy a balloon, you had to write a name on a sheet. Apparently, you weren't supposed to write your own. They called my name. FML
Today, I came out of the closet. Now whenever I'm getting ready to go somewhere with my dad he says, "Lesgo, lesbo." FML
Today, I was standing in line at the grocery store waiting for my husband. After a while, I feel him kissing my neck, so I turn to tell him that it's not appropriate in public. It wasn't my husband. FML
Today, I woke up and saw that my alarm clock had fallen on the floor. It read 9:05 am. I panicked because I was late for work. As I frantically got ready, I went to pick my alarm clock up to place it back on my nightstand when I realized it was upside down. The actual time was 5:06. FML
Today, a man walked into the bank I work at and asked what he would need in order to open an account. I had to look him in the eyes with a straight face, say, "Two pieces of identification," and ask him to put some pants on. FML
Today, I opened my birthday present from my grandfather. It was a map of the USA color coded by regional percentage of available men. FML
Today, I texted my girlfriend, saying how I hated my job, I felt trapped, and that I was wasting my time working there. A few minutes later, she answered, "That's how I feel about our relationship." FML
Today, my mom told me she spent $760 on "quantum pendants" that "produce scalar energy that helps to enhance the body’s biofield." When I told her she got scammed, she denied it and yelled at me. Best part? She frequently lectures me about how I waste my money and spend irresponsibly. FML
Today, I drove two and a half hours to a job interview. The interviewer never showed up or called. I sat in the hotel lobby waiting for an hour and a half. Even the hotel staff said they felt sorry for me. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML
Today, while standing by the kitchen window I noticed a mouse running across our lawn on top of the snow. I called my two daughters to come see it, but by the time they got to the window a hawk was shredding the poor thing to pieces. My kids didn't stop crying for two hours. FML
Today, I found out my ex boyfriend who recently cheated on me and broke up with me for another girl, has herpes. Guess how I found out? FML
Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping channels on a movie with a hot naked chick getting oiled down. Suddenly the remote landed on my stomach as my mom and grandma walked in. They yelled at me for being a pervert, while my grandpa sat and chuckled. FML
Today, after over a year of lifestyle changes and a ritualistic exercise regime, I finally reached my goal weight. I excitedly told my boyfriend, and he responded, "Yeah, that's nice, but now your tits are tiny". FML
Today, I found out that my husband is the biological father of my baby sister. FML
Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he said that I should go to the bathroom so we don't end up pregnant. When I asked why, he said that I need to "pee out the semen." I explained to him 5 times that I don't pee out of my vagina. He still doesn't get it. FML
Today, I came home to find all of the wood in my house either broken or gone. On the now legless table there was a note from my mother, saying that she needed the wood to build a boat, and that I will thank her when the world ends. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend wearing yoga pants and taking pictures of his butt to post on a "Girls in yoga pants" site. He saw my expression and said, "Nah, it's cool, I hid my junk so they'll think it's a chick!" FML
Today, my girlfriend and I attempted some bondage for the first time. Within seconds of the handcuffs being put on, I went into a serious panic attack. I was playing the dominant; my girlfriend was the one in cuffs. FML
Today, my boyfriend got offered a job at Abercrombie. The first thing he asked was "they only hire hot people, right?!" Now he won't stop telling me how lucky I am to be with such a hot guy. FML
Today, I explained to my roommate that if she kept using all of our kitchen utensils as sex toys and hoarding them because of the varying degrees of orgasms she could achieve, we wouldn't be able to cook or eat in our own house. FML
Today, I took my laptop to I.T. to fix my internet. Only after I left did I realise my memory technique for remembering the stages of mitosis (Iraqi penis man anally transmits chlamydia) was left as a sticky note on my desktop. The guy definitely noticed. FML
Today, I collected my new timetable at college only to find I've been dropped from all my classes. I've been listed as deceased. I'm definitely not dead and have no idea how I supposedly died. FML
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