Monsieur San Diego 26 ans Célibataire
Today, I realized that the place that my brothers and I would find soggy balloons and blow them up when we were younger is where the prostitutes take their clients. We were blowing up used condoms for a good part of our childhood. FML
Today, I found out that my seemingly innocent 80-something neighbor has been stalking every girl in the neighborhood, and considers me his girlfriend. FML
Today, my boyfriend rekindled the romance with his ex, at my 21st birthday party. One of the few reasons I'd invited her was to show that I trusted him, and I no longer felt threatened by their continued friendship. FML
Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML
Today, I took a poop that was three states of matter. Solid, liquid, and gas. FML
Today, I came home to my fiancé and his mates playing Monopoly naked in our backyard. FML
Today, I switched from pads to tampons. It took me several botched attempts trying insert one before I succeeded, and now I feel like I've just raped myself. FML
Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend of two years that I love her. She replied, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just shut up?" FML
Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML
Today, I was texting my girlfriend and asked her for a picture, expecting something provocative. She sent me a picture of her holding a positive pregnancy test. We had sex once. FML
Today, my boyfriend actually held onto my love handles while we were having sex. He said they "made it easier." FML
Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML
Today, we found out that the beloved "Uncle Jimmy" from my early childhood was really the man my mother was cheating on my dad with. FML
Today, an hour after having been turned down for sex, I walked in on my wife fingering herself to a copy of War and Peace. FML
Today, my daughter had the words "Always classy, never trashy" tattooed across her lower back in crappy cursive lettering. She doesn't understand the irony. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend wearing yoga pants and taking pictures of his butt to post on a "Girls in yoga pants" site. He saw my expression and said, "Nah, it's cool, I hid my junk so they'll think it's a chick!" FML
Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML
Today, my mom asked me what a MILF is. Apparently that's her nickname at work. FML
Today, at work, my boss made me go outside and wash people's cars for free. I work at Verizon. FML
Today, I got the bill for the flowers my husband arranged to be delivered to me while he's out of town next week. I also got the bill for the flowers he's sending to the floozy he'll be seeing next week while he's out of town. The gift tag for it was: "I can't wait to see you." FML
Today, my boyfriend of six days proposed to me. FML
Today, I tried explaining to my mom how liking her own posts on Facebook wasn't very cool. I later logged in to see she'd added all my friends and posted naked baby pictures of me, captioning them, "Now I don't have to like my own posts." FML
Today, I decided to go buy myself a dildo to use on my lonely nights. Once at the adult store, I also grabbed a birthday card to make it seem the dildo wasn't for me. At the register, the cashier looked at me and said, "For God's sake, save yourself some money. I already know it's for you." FML
Today, my husband finally returned from his 18-month deployment. Sexually starved, we wasted no time getting busy. Later as we finally cooled off, I got a message from my Aunt. She was hiding in our closet the whole time to surprise us with cake for his safe return. FML
Today, working my job, I had to explain to a kid that Pokemon is owned by Nintendo and they don't make it for the Xbox. Upset by this, he took hold of my leg and started biting. I'm also suspended, because his mother complained when I kicked him off me. FML
Today, I announced my engagement. My mother's response was to freak out and demand that I postpone my wedding indefinitely. Why? My younger sister caught the bouquet at a wedding last year, so "she has to get married first!" My sister has been single for 3 years and showers once a week. FML
Today, I went skinny-dipping with my friends. At one point, I jokingly pointed out how one of them had the smallest boobs of us all. She calmly got out of the pond, dried herself, scooped up our clothes and phones, and drove off in her car. The cops she called arrived soon after. FML
Today, I bought a live lobster to have for dinner. When my four year old daughter discovered it in the cooler, she thanked me incessantly for finally getting her a pet. She now won't let "Mr. Shelly" out of her sight. FML
Today, feeling magnanimous, I decided to help a frail-looking old lady across a busy street. She managed to "accidentally" hit me in the balls with her cane no fewer than three times before we reached the other side. FML
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