Monsieur 33 ans
Today, I parked in front of a grocery store and took the portable GPS system off the mount on the dashboard and put it in my pocket so no one would break into my car and steal it. When I got back, the window was smashed and someone had stolen the plastic mount. FML
Today, my whole family was sitting in the kitchen. My sister was stoned and passed out in our dog's bed. My dad was drunk, yelling "who's your daddy" at his plate of barbecue, and my mom just sat there with that, "what the hell happened to my life" look on her face. FML
Today, I missed my bus by a minute. I called up my step-dad asking him if he could drive me because I had a test first period. After about calling him twenty times, and him not picking up, I saw him drive by the bus stop, pointing at me and laughing hysterically. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a funny prank to put duct tape on my eyes while I was sleeping so that when I woke up, I would be blind. I have no more eyelashes. FML
Today, I went outside to enjoy the cool air without my glasses. I saw my neighbor doing the same, so I waved and said hi. When she didn't respond, I yelled and went back inside. It was only later when I went back out with my glasses on that I realized I was being ignored by a Halloween decoration. FML
Today, I threw a paper ball into a recycling bin backwards. I don't know what's more sad: the fact that that was my highlight of my life, or I had been attempting to make that shot every day for three years. FML
Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML
Today, my parents had a fight, which is a pretty normal occurrence at our house. But today, they fought over an orange. Dad is now sitting in his bedroom with the aforementioned orange. FML
Today, I noticed a spot of water on the floor. I thought my cats had spilled a cup of water and didn't worry about it. I went to a meeting and when I came back, my entire apartment was flooded with 3 inches of water. FML
Today, I got bailed out of jail. I was there because I saw a girl being hit by her boyfriend. I rushed over to help only to have her hit me repeatedly. The cops came and she blamed her bruises on me. The boyfriend corroborated her story. FML
Today, I found out that my mom called my boss informing him that I am a little behind on some college projects. She felt he should know that she fears I might not be able to graduate on the planned date. My boss had already offered me a permanent job. I may not get that job now. FML
Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML
Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee on it. It jumped out, scared the hell out of me, and I peed all over myself. FML
Today, after months of trying to potty train my son, he finally told me he used the potty. I went to the bathroom to check. There was nothing there. So I asked him, "Where did you go to the potty?" He then grabbed my hand and took me to the cat's litter box. My son has successfully litter trained himself. FML
Today, I had a surprise birthday party thrown in my honor. All of my friends and family had been invited, and all of the details were perfect. Who threw the party for me? My ex-girlfriend who I dumped last week for "not being thoughtful enough." FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend whom I love dearly because he doesn't share his feelings and won't commit. Yesterday, he wrote me a long love letter telling me he wanted to marry me. One of my kids had shoved it under my printer and I didn't find it until after he had moved out. FML
Today, I was running a meeting feeling very stressed. I grabbed my stress ball out of my bag, squeezing it vigorously throughout the meeting. When I stood up to talk my stress ball exploded all over my new black suit and the desk. So much for relieving stress. FML
Today, I took the bus to work. I was exhausted and had a big mug of coffee. Half asleep and thinking I was in my car, I reached forward to put it in the "cup holder" during the ride. When I let go, I poured hot coffee not only all over myself, but also on the large, angry-looking man next to me. FML
Today, I had a pig kidney dissection in Biology. I see a 'sack' which appeared to contain a liquid. Being the curious type, I cut open the sack, spraying said liquid over me and my desk. My teacher, after giggling, informed me that the liquid was in fact urine. I was pissed on by a dead pig. FML
Today, we rearranged the bedroom and my boyfriend and I switched sides of the bed. When the alarm went off, he got confused as to which side the clock was on. Instead of hitting the snooze button like he normally does, he hit me in the face. FML
Today, at 4 a.m., I remembered that I had not studied for my Spanish exam. I panicked, jumped out of bed, and frantically began searching for my notebook. It wasn't until I destroyed my desk and woke up my roommate that I realized that I'm not enrolled in Spanish this semester. It was a nightmare. FML
Today, I finally released my first music album. I dropped out of college to pay for it after my friends who liked my music urged me to. They keep telling me how much they love the CD. I've only sold one copy. Turns out they put it on a sharing site so only one of them would have to buy it. FML
Today, while on the phone with a client at work, I was planning on saying either "Yeah." or "Uh-huh." Without thinking, I combined the two and ended up saying "Yee-hah," like a cowboy. FML
Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he did I remembered there was no toilet paper left. I felt too ashamed to interrupt his dump, so I waited for him to ask for paper; he never did, and came out without socks. FML
Today, I was pulling into a parking garage space and using the next car over to judge where the wall was in front of me, but ended up whumping my front bumper as I pulled forward. Wondering what had happened, I got out to see that the car I was aligning myself against had hit the wall too. FML
Today, my friends and I went to court. We are all college students, and for next semester, we will be on probation and have to do 8 hours of community service, as well as a $25 fine each. All for swinging on swings in the park after dark. FML
Today, after five months of working overtime and doing my own repairs around the house, such as patching my own roof to save money, I walk into my home office. I find my $2500, week old, top of the line laptop won't turn on because it's drenched in water. Apparently there's a leak in the roof. FML
Today, I was in a meeting at work. In the middle of our CEO's speech, I farted. Everyone heard including my boss, who looked over and said, "Do you have anything else you wanted to add?" FML
Today, I woke up lying on the ground outside with a horrible headache. I camped out in my tree house last night. FML
Today, while taking a shower, I saw shadows moving across the curtains. The shadow turned out to be a cricket that then fell into the tub. I ran out of the bathroom screaming and naked. My little sister came to my door and said, "If I hadn't just seen your balls, I would swear mom had TWO daughters." FML
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