yoshiyakiryu

Stuck on ugly

Today, I found out that my parents took me to a specialist when I was a baby because they thought I had a facial deformity. It turns out I'm just ugly. FML

Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. The problem is she convinced me to get a vasectomy two years ago. FML

Dude, what the…?

Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML

Today, I was grounded for not agreeing with an article on dating my mom found in a very strict magazine. The article told parents to monitor phone calls, make rumors about their children cheating on people, and not allow their children anywhere but home. FML

Today, I was waiting for my girlfriend, I wanted to have a serious talk about her hypochondria. She called to cancel because she was (self) diagnosed with some sort of 'neurological disorder'. FML

Today, my 4 year old cousin is staying overnight. Every time I fall asleep he wakes me up to tell me I fell asleep. FML

Today, to punish me for being hungover, my roommate blasted the bagpipe version of "Amazing Grace" through his stereo. FML

It burns

Today, after my 22-year-old son realized that there was no more contact solution, he decided to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out. I raised this moron. FML

Needy baby

Today, I have a cat with separation anxiety. By this, I mean whenever I go in another room and shut the door with her outside, she uses her head as a battering ram to try and break down the door. It's fun trying to sleep too. FML

Today, I found out that my mom and dad got a divorce. They didn't tell me, they just changed their relationship status on Facebook. FML

Today, at work, I spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no, I wasn't a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell. FML

Today, it's been 5 years I've been working for a man that won't admit he has Tourette's. He sits at his desk, twitching his head and hissing like a snake. He's also randomly said things like 'nipples', 'Jessica Simpson', 'potato peeler', etc. I feel like it's become my job to warn new employees. FML

Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML

Today, after I moved into my college dorm three days ago, my roommate is still convinced that she is a cat. FML

Today, my 12 year old son came home from school and informed me that he bought an air guitar for $20. He honestly thinks this is a good price. FML

Innocence

Today, I was sitting on the bus following a harrowing breakup. A boy of no more than 6 looked at me full of compassion and said, "Are you crying because you're ugly?" FML

Today, my doctor told me I should consider a breast reduction. I'm a man. FML

Consistent

Today, as I was filling out divorce paperwork, I realized that my son has had the same girlfriend through both of my marriages. He's 17. FML

Today, it's my wedding day, and I have uncontrollable diarrhea. FML

Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML

Cheeky

Today, I went on a blind date at a fancy restaurant. My date was running a bit late, so I went ahead and got a table. I got bored, so I decided to ask my waiter how I looked. He stood there, then said that, "It's against company policy to mock customers to their face." FML

Sex Ed is broken

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

Today, I finally found out what that weird smell in my apartment was. My ex-boyfriend had been breaking into my apartment and hiding rotting fruit all over the place. I found this out when a ceiling panel fell and a swarm of fruit flies attacked me. FML

Today, I shat out a staple. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out in a motel room. Just before we really got started I noticed that I forgot to close the drapes. Once I got up to close them I saw 3 maids and the manager run away. FML

Today, I found out that as a supervisor, if you reprimand a female worker and end the conversation with, "Now get back to making sandwiches," your boss will consider it sexism and suspend you. I work at Subway. FML

Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML

Today, I was at the park with my daughter. She walked up to a boy at the swings, held her hand out, and said, "Hi I'm Vanessa, and someday you'll be working for me." FML

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML

Today, I went to visit my boyfriend at work. That's where I met his pregnant girlfriend. FML