enduriwolf

Crossed wires

Today, I was texting my trainer to rearrange our training session. My girlfriend texted me during the exchange, asking what I wanted for Christmas. I accidentally texted my trainer, "All I want are your sweet titties in my face". I'm awaiting a response. FML

Wrong door

Today, while sleeping over at my girlfriend's house for the first time, I got up to go to the bathroom. I went to go back and once in the room asked, "You ready for round two baby?" The light came on and at this moment I realized I went into her parents' bedroom by mistake. FML

No way

Today, there are rumors flying around my office that I hooked up with the guy who picks his nose and leaves boogers under tables. I didn't. Last night I took a shower at my boyfriend's place, who happens to use the exact same body wash and shampoo as the office outcast. FML

Wuss

Today, I asked my boyfriend if there's a reason why he has never gone down on me. He responded, "Your back door is too close to your front door and it creeps me out." FML

Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. FML

Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML

Today, while having sex on the couch with my single neighbour, a beam in the couch broke. Not even slightly fazed, she said, "It's okay, my husband can fix it." Husband? FML

Jerry! Jerry!

Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML

A tale as old as time

Today, I was about to lose my virginity. I couldn't get it up. FML

Today, I said to my wife that I wished I had met her 20 years ago. Her response was, "Twenty years ago I had beautiful tits and many options, I wouldn't have even looked at you." FML

Today, an attractive guy told me he wanted to get to know me and see me again. When I told my boyfriend, in hopes of stirring up some jealousy, he said "he'll regret it when he finds out what you're like in bed, trust me." FML

Today, my 14 year-old son sent a broadcast on my blackberry saying ''I'm a young gay man looking for some fun!'' to all my contacts as a joke. What he didn't know was that it's my work phone. FML

Today, my husband said that when we have sex he almost gets as excited as he does when he gets a chopper gunner on Black Ops. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Instead of having breakup sex, she tidied my room. She said it gave her more pleasure than any time we'd ever had sex. FML

Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML

Today, I put a sock on my dorm room door to get everyone to think I was getting laid. In truth, I'm a virgin and just wanted to take a peaceful nap. FML

Big question

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years tell his friend he was going to "pop the question." Ecstatic, I wore my nicest dress and got my hair done for dinner. Near the end, he leant in romantically and asked if we could start doing anal. So much for marriage. FML

Today, my brother asked if he could borrow my razor, since he recently hit puberty and wanted to have a shave. I decided to be nice and let him. When he returned it half an hour later, I couldn't help but notice his facial hair was untouched. FML

Today, I was taking a leak in the mall bathroom. A kid no older than thirteen strolled in and paused next to me at the urinals. He took one look and laughed, "I feel sorry for your wife, man." All I could do was stand there as he casually disappeared into one of the stalls. FML

Automaton

Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me the reason she asked me to shave my beard. When I go down on her shaved, it feels more like her ex-boyfriend. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the very first time in three years. Apparently, all it took was anal. FML

Today, after weeks, I've finally reached my goal and lost 10 lbs. My sister got jealous about me losing weight, and told my parents and coworkers that I'm anorexic. Hello, intervention. FML

Today, my sister was on shrooms. I wasn't able to tackle her before she called the cops to say that her books were trying to eat her face off. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

Today, my dog died. My parents told me to bury it out back. In the process, I managed to dig up my cat. FML

Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML

Today, I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't make it to the lake today or tomorrow because I'd been called in to work. She won't believe me and thinks I'm simply avoiding her. I got called in to bathe and clean dogs' anal glands. FML

Today, I was so broke that I paid for a $0.28 candy bar with my credit card. FML

Today, I asked my daughter what time it was. She stared at the clock for several seconds before muttering, "I don't know". She's 14 years old and on the honour roll, and yet she can't tell the time on an analogue clock. FML