enduriwolf

Alas, poor little dude

Today, my six year-old daughter discovered the family's pet rabbit in the basement freezer. The rabbit had died almost a year ago, and we'd stored it in the freezer, intending to bury it later. Here's to the trauma of losing the family pet. Twice. FML

Today, I got a phone call to say my workplace was closed due to extreme weather conditions. Looking forward to my day off, I then realised the boiler was broken and my house has no heating despite there being a foot of snow outside. I'm spending the day in bed, wearing all my clothes. FML

Bad influence

Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML

Today, I found out that my husband's secretary named her new baby boy after my husband. Everyone at the office thinks it's funny. My husband says it's a coincidence. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided that he needed some time alone for a few weeks. This break just so happens to include our one year anniversary, Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday. Now I get to spend the next three weeks alone. FML

Today, I fell over on the bus. X-Rays revealed not only that I have been growing extra bones in my foot, but that when I fell, I crushed all of them. Doctors don't know how to fix bones that aren't supposed to be there, so they're just going to cut them out. Two days before Christmas. FML

Today, I got a call about my dog who went missing a week ago. The guy who called said "We have your dog, but you aren't getting her back." Then he hung up. FML

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML

Not funny, son

Today, while at a school anti-drugs assembly, the speaker asked everyone to stand up if they knew someone who had died of an overdose. As I stood up, my friend hit me in the side, making me laugh. I stood frozen under accusing glares while the speaker bitched me out for a good 5 minutes. FML

Today, I found out via a Twitter post that my girlfriend is pregnant. FML

Today, I have a new boss. She claims to be a professional Angry Birds player. FML

Today, I woke up to find a parking ticket on my car. My car was in my driveway and the cop who wrote it is my ex-boyfriend. This is the third time. FML

Today, while working at a restaurant, an elderly lady stuck my tip in my back pocket as I was walking away. I wish I knew this before I'd thrown her to the floor for touching my hiney. FML

Today, I was holding my drunken friend's hair while she threw up in the toilet at a party. She said, crying, "Y'don't have to do this..." I told her that that's what friends are for. She replied, "Yeah, but I did sleep with your boyfriend..." FML

Today, I went to the carnival with a guy I like. When we went on the big scary ride where you flip upside down a lot, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then, I threw up on him. FML

Not this again

Today, after spending over $1000 on plane tickets, I'm visiting my family for the first time in five years. Two hours after I arrived, everyone is screaming at each other and taking their rage out on me. They still ask why I never visit. FML

Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML

Backhanded

Today, my girlfriend told me that if my penis was on any other body it would be considered small, but on me it's "cute." FML

Today, I had my parents over at my new apartment. As I was telling them how quiet and peaceful my new place is, we could hear my neighbors talking nasty to each other before launching into a full-blown sex ordeal. FML

Today, my parents took away my laptop, TV, Xbox, and car all because I broke up with my girlfriend. They said when I patch things up with her, I can have my stuff back. FML

Butterfly

Today, I logged on to Facebook to find that my boyfriend's relationship status had changed to being in a relationship with his ex. I asked him about it, and all he said was, "I guess I forgot to break up with you." FML

Today, I went out to lunch with a couple of work buddies. Trying to be suave, I started hitting on our waitress. Not two seconds after saying, "Hey baby," I felt ice water on my balls. The guy next to me had spilled both our water glasses. FML

Today, my little brother, who is 11, explained to me how babies are made. I’m 15. FML

Today, I sent a text message to my girlfriend telling her how much I wanted to make love to her tonight. I've just realized I sent it to her brother. FML

Today, I was making love with my girlfriend and my landline rang. Obviously, I let it go to voicemail. At the very moment I was about to cum, I heard my mum's voice on my voicemail: "Hi sweetheart!" FML

Today, after making love to my girlfriend, I realised that the phone was on the bed and because of the movements, it called my dad by itself. It went to voicemail. My dad will soon have all the details. FML

Today, when I woke up, my husband was already up. Thinking I'd heard him in the hall, I yelled out, "Come on, don't be shy, bring your dick back in here right now!" A voice then replied, "He's gone out to get some bread." It was my mother-in-law. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. FML

Cockblocked

Today, my boyfriend and I had the house to ourselves. We started getting a little frisky when we discovered we were out of condoms. After a quick run to the store, we found ourselves locked out of the house. Now we have condoms, but no way to use them. FML