TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML
Today, my dog was barking at a squirrel in the yard. I opened the door to let him chase the squirrel. I went to look at the dead squirrel and found out it was the neighbor's chihuahua. FML
Today, my mother and girlfriend were joking around and talking about the embarrassing things I've done. After they'd had a lengthy conversation, my girlfriend mentioned, "And he always farts during sex." FML
Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML
Today, I learned that my apartment building has two new tenants: my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé, the guy she cheated on me with. FML
Today, as I was standing in the checkout line in a store, my six year-old daughter proudly announced to everyone that I fell asleep on the toilet last night. FML
Today, when I weighed myself on my scale, it broke. FML
Today, I walked around for hours with a Post-it on my back reading, "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend stuck it on me. FML
Today, I was given a DUI while in the Whataburger drive thru. FML
Today, I zoned out in a coffee shop for about two minutes and was brought back to reality when a woman smacked me out of my seat. Apparently I was staring at her chest while zoned out. FML
Today, I applied to live in a barn. FML
Today, I got my first handjob. She ripped out a pube. It hurt so bad my eyes teared up. She asked what was wrong and not wanting to make her feel guilty I had to tell her it was "Just so good." FML
Today, my grandmother pulled down her pants and screamed, "Kiss my ass" in the middle of a packed restaurant. FML
Today, I was at the book store when a book caught my eye: Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies. I wanted to look through the book but I was too nervous to pick it up, thinking everyone in the store would look at me. FML
Today, my parents overheard me having sex with my girlfriend. They thought it would be funny to barge in with nothing but underwear on. This has happened twice now. FML
Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML
Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend, the girl I completely love, is now dating my father. She tried giving me the, "I know I'm not your mother…" speech. FML
Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML
Today, while in the grocery store my boyfriend said very loudly "Don't make me hit you in public again!" He says things like this every time we are in the grocery store line. The sad part is that it's better than when he says "Are you gonna pay for the stuff you put in your purse?" FML
Today, I photocopied several hundred pages of my school's textbook because I didn't want to buy it. My school later says to just buy it and it will be reimbursed. FML
Today, I played Taboo with my boyfriend and my conservative family. It was my boyfriend's turn and his word was "cherry". His only clue to me was, "I popped your..." He was the only one who found it funny. FML
Today, I took my kids to the mall to see Santa. While waiting in line, my eldest got bored and loudly complained, "I don't know why we're here. Santa's not even real." I don't think any of the kids within a hundred feet took the news very well. FML
Today, I got to say, "My best friend hooked up with my step-sister's grandma's aunt" and be correct. FML
Today, I was fired from my job. My boss claimed it was because I smelled like alcohol, never mind the fact that my job was brewmaster at a beer company. FML
Today, I had to get out my birth certificate to prove to my dad that today is my birthday. This has happened before. FML
Today, my ex-husband officially became my stepdad. FML
Today, my pet mouse demonstrated that he has bigger balls than my boyfriend, by running across the dinner table and eating off his plate, all while he jumped out of his chair, screaming like a girl. FML
Today, I said to my boyfriend that he makes the same noises when he smells bacon as he does when we have sex. Now everytime we have sex, he whispers "Bacon..." in my ear. FML
Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML
Today, I learned why one should never insert a tampon after squeezing lemons. FML
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