Mademoiselle Varies: either New York or Texas 33 ans Compliqué
Today, a woman who works in the clinic across the road told me that my glass isn't frosted enough and she and all her patients can see me when I shower. FML
Today, just as I was putting my contacts in, a gnat landed on it. Its guts got squished between my eyeball and the contact. FML
Today, we learned that our dog can run and urinate simultaneously. The entire house smells like piss. FML
Today, I tried to vacuum to surprise my mom with a clean house. The vacuum started shorting out, sparked, and then burst into flames mid living room. FML
Today, my only pair of shoes that I brought got stolen at the airport while I was being checked by security. I'm now stuck 1000 miles from home with no shoes. FML
Today, my girlfriend dyed her hair from blonde to brunette. An hour later, she found one of her blonde hairs on my pillow, and accused me of cheating. FML
Today, it's been a week since I started farting in my sleep for no apparent reason. It's so frequent and so foul-smelling that my husband and I are both losing sleep and are having to take afternoon naps to make up for it. FML
Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML
Today, I had severe constipation. I went to get some more laxatives when I felt something fall onto the top of my head. I reached up to see what it was and it turned out to be quite a large spider. Guess who isn't constipated anymore. FML
Today, my bitchy manager got back from vacation. To be nice, I asked her how it was. She said "not long enough". I mumbled "I agree". She definitely heard. FML.
Today, I had to cancel an appointment due to diarrhea. I was so nervous that when the receptionist asked why, I told her, "I can't stop shitting." FML
Today, I was motivated enough to run on the treadmill for the first time in a long time. The movement knocked my downstairs neighbor's ceiling fan down. FML
Today, after jumping into a public swimming pool, the female lifeguard, who I have had a crush on for years whistled at me. When I got out of the water, she handed me the bathing suit I'd apparently lost. FML
Today, I had a terrible dream where my aunt paid a stripper to have sex with me, since I'm 27 and haven't even kissed a guy yet. I ended up taking the dream-stripper to the mall for snacks instead. Even my dreams are mocking me. FML
Today, my eyesight is getting terrible. I saw a white cat in front of my house, so I went up to it. To my delight it didn’t move, so I bent down to stroke it. Wrong call, it was a plastic bag. FML
Today, after missing my flight and being stuck on the other side of the globe, I received a call telling me that the "male, neutered" kitten I adopted 7 months ago is now pregnant. FML
Today, after a few days of getting what seemed like an odd, scattered rash every time I showered, I finally figured out the problem. It turns out I wasn't just allergic to all the different soap I tried. Apparently a family of very angry spiders have decided to make my loofah their new home. FML
Today, I had a full day of work, a social event, and a doctor's appointment. My son looked at me when I got home and said, "Are your pants on backwards?" Yes, yes they were. All day. FML
Today, I logged onto Tinder to see if I had any messages. I had one: "Get off Tinder." FML
Today, my aunt said that it looked like I lost some weight. I was pleased with this, since I've been trying to lose some. My mom, for some reason, thought it was insulting. She pulled me to aside to assure me that I most definitely don't look any skinnier. FML
Today, I realized just how shy and awkward I really am when I averted my eyes to avoid making eye contact with someone who turned out to be a cardboard cut-out. FML
Today, it was the first day of school, and I split my pants. In a full class. While on a stage. I'm the teacher, and I wasn't wearing underwear. FML
Today, at work, I needed to fart and thought it would be fast and silent, so I let it rip. I was wrong. Everyone turned around and looked at me as my fart rolled on for a good 10 seconds. The worst part, I screamed, "It wasn't me!" while I was still farting. FML
Today, my workplace instituted a policy in which employees must stop and write down what they are doing every fifteen minutes. FML
Today, I woke up to a loud bang. Thinking someone had broken in, I grabbed my hunting knife and ran downstairs, only to find my TV on the floor, completely destroyed, and my cat casually sitting next to it without a care in the world. FML
Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML
Today, my dandruff got so bad that when I sneezed on the bus, it created a "blizzard" of dandruff, covering me, and two others in it. I'm now known as "Winter Wonderland". FML
Today, whilst at work as a furniture salesperson, a couple was looking at a couch. As part of our sales technique, we invite people to take a seat. The man was wearing shorts, and his testicles dropped out to the side. I had to discuss fabric options, etc, whilst avoiding looking at his balls. FML
Today, my girlfriend managed to trap a fart in her nightgown and carry it all the way from the bathroom, into our bedroom, and finally into our bed. FML
Today, because of the gas crisis in my state, we had to stop taking delivers at the pizza place I work at. Someone asked if we could walk it to them. My manager agreed. FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
