Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML
Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML
Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, "I just dropped the bitch off, I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I later asked him about it. He said, "Megan, I have no idea what you're talking about." My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML
Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML
Today, I found out that my 15-year-old son is a prolific creator of My Little Pony themed hentai. I'm not a judgmental man, but he's probably going to hell. FML
Today, I had my first job interview after three years of unemployment. I was so happy that I broke down into tears the moment I saw the interviewer. Great first impression. FML
Today, I came in to work early at a restaurant to help out. I stocked, baked pies for the next day, cleaned and set over 50 tables, and vacuumed the entire two stories. When I went to send an order for the first customer of mine, I realized I hadn't even clocked on. Four and half hours of work wasted. FML
Today, it's been a week since I found an egg in the street that had seemingly fallen out of a nest. I'd bought a cage and an expensive incubator lamp to save it. It's thus been a week that I've been trying to save a mouldy old potato. FML
Today, my wife got all excited when she saw the elevator we were in had a feature to make it go sideways. I didn't have the heart to tell her they were the buttons to open and close the door. FML
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