Monsieur Georgia, USA En couple
Today, I walked into a room to help a patient get ready for bed. Except she already was in bed, with two other male patients. I work in a retirement home. FML
Today, a customer scared me for the sole purpose of watching my breasts jiggle when I jumped in surprise. I know because his head moved as they did, and he said, "Nice." before walking away. FML
Today, I woke up with a pounding headache. My wife tells me that last night I woke up from a nightmare, screaming, tried to run away, and knocked myself out running headfirst into the bedroom wall. So she put me back to bed and went back to sleep. FML
Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML
Today, I went out clubbing and hit the dance floor, hoping to impress some girls with my moves. All I got was a bunch of weird looks and was told by one girl that I'm the "whitest black guy" she's ever seen. FML
Today, I accidentally walked in on my sister shaving, naked. I don't know what's worse, the fact I've now seen her nude, or that she looks ten times better than any girl I've ever slept with. FML
Today, I walked in on my son's new habit. Sticking his finger up his ass, farting on it, and smelling it. Apparently, the scent is the purest then. FML
Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML
Today, I saw my grandfather on the train, with his cock out. FML
Today, I found out my insurance company denied my claim because they had me marked down as "male" and yet also pregnant. I now have to prove to them that I'm actually a woman. FML
Today, I found out how painful it is to static shock the tip of your dick. FML
Today, I found my 6-year-old daughter recording herself on her little tape recorder. When I asked her what she was up to, she replied in her cute little voice, "I'm recording myself so you'll have a souvenir when I'm dead." FML
Today, I came to the realization that I dream more about my vibrator than I do about my boyfriend. FML
Today, I got jumpscared, by my freshly-bathed grandma coming out of the bathroom without a towel on. FML
Today, while driving on the motorway, I sneezed so hard my contacts popped out. FML
Today, while taking the bus home, a girl stared at me for a while before asking me if I'd ever heard of makeup. FML
Today, the most action I had on Valentine's day was a homeless guy pulling his dick out at me as I walked home from work. FML
Today, the play I was directing opened. The curtain opened, and my lead actor and actress weren't prepared. I could tell from the looks on their faces as the whole audience saw him balls deep in her, doggy style, on stage. FML
Today, I farted at a crowded concert, and people started commenting on said fart. I specifically went out of my way to eat certain foods all day so that it wouldn't happen. FML
Today, my sister convinced my girlfriend that I cheated on her. All because I took the first slice of her birthday cake. FML
Today, while I was shopping, a girl walked past me and said, "Hola!" I'm Indian. FML
Today, the officers of my archery club forgot to check if anybody was behind the targets looking for arrows. I got hit in the leg. FML
Today, while working as a hostess, one of my tattoos on my leg was showing. It's not uncommon for guests to comment on tattoos as we're high end and I'm one of two staff members with visible tattoos. What is uncommon is an elderly lady hiking up my skirt for a better view. I flashed everyone. FML
Today, I said "I love you" to my girlfriend for the first time. She responded with, "I'm just gonna pretend I never heard that." FML
Today, I was craving some popcorn, so I went to the supermarket and bought the microwaveable type. When I got home, I remembered I didn't have a microwave. FML
Today, my daughter taught me the literal meaning of "When the shit hits the fan." FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my husband, and I tried to do a swift position-change like they do in the movies. I wound up flipping off the bed and busting my nose open on the floor. FML
Today, my dad uttered the words, "You gotta admit, your mother's got one hell of an ass." FML
Today, I got written up for coming in to work stoned. I wasn't stoned, I'm just goofy. FML
Today, my boyfriend got so baked, he thought I was in the washing machine. I came downstairs to find him sitting in a puddle of soaking wet clothes, crying about where I was. FML
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