magicviper1

Today, my girlfriend started making pig noises during sex. FML

Today, an old friend of mine refused to go to a movie with me. Turns out he was sitting in front of me with my girlfriend. FML

Today, while working as a highway patrol officer, I pulled over my girlfriend for speeding and was required by law to ticket her. Another officer was with me, so I couldn't not ticket her without being reported. We share a joint account, so I basically ticketed myself. FML

Same thing

Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML

Terms and conditions

Today, I declined an apartment because it didn't have a detachable shower head that I could use for my enjoyment. FML

Today, my dog pooped on the floor, and the Roomba my sweet boyfriend bought me as a housewarming gift, ran over it. FML

Today, a customer asked if we stocked gluten-free water. Then she got pissed when I laughed at what I thought was her joke. FML

Today, whilst in a dressing room trying on some new clothes, I experienced the sheer terror of having someone fling a pair of dirty panties over the stall wall only to make off with some stolen ones, whilst you're still standing there in shock staring at another woman's dirty underwear. FML

Kids these days

Today, my toddler son walked up to my older daughter and kissed her chest, then said, "I kissed the boob." I have no idea where he learned that word. FML

Today, after spending over two hours cleaning my kitchen from top to bottom, my 5-year-old then runs in, yells, “Snowstorm!” and throws a bag of flour all over the floor. FML

Today, I was helping my dad sell furniture online after a messy divorce. After organising everything to be picked up, it turned out the buyer was the guy Mum had the affair with. What are the chances? FML