jessmang

Today, I met someone with the same name as me for the first time ever. I'm 20 years-old; he's 97. FML

Lonely days

Today, I asked a little old lady in line at my work why she wasn't out enjoying the beautiful day with all her friends. Her response, "I'd love to, but they're all dead." FML

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

Birthday Girl

Today, it's my birthday. I got just three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office, to sing me a happy birthday. FML

Nice try

Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date, destination unknown. I dressed up, he had a tux on. We went to McDonalds. FML

Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML

Today, I was at a public pool. A very fat kid yelled, "Cannon Ball!" He jumped right on me. FML

Stitched up

Today, I was woken up by the police pounding on my door, saying I was under arrest for stealing road signs. My friends went drinking last night and thought it would be funny to steal seven stop signs, four bus stop signs, and two children crossing signs, then plant them on my front lawn. FML

Emotional

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML

Oh no…

Today, I was watching this show about fat people. I was wondering how people could let this happen to themselves. Then I looked down and saw a giant bowl of popcorn, ice cream, potato chips, and soda. I thus figured out how people do this to themselves. FML

Today, my mother found out that I'm sexually active. She wants me to tell my father. I'm seventeen, and my father still has trouble grasping the fact that I carry a purse, because it means I'm "growing up." This should be fun. FML

Today, I came home to a dead fish duct-taped to the wall of my dorm room. I can't reach it. FML

Today, my friends thought it would be a good idea to make fun of a homeless man. I didn't fancy making fun of the less fortunate, so I stayed a bit back. Still, the homeless man didn't think it would matter to throw a rock at me after my buddies ran away. FML

Today, I went to a water park, and the fee to get in was $39.95. Once I got in I was really thirsty, so I got a soda and then I hear over the intercom that the park is closing due to a clog in the cleaning system. I paid 43.67 for a soda. FML

Today, whilst I was working in McDonald's, a customer threw their Quarterpounder at me because it had pickles and he said he didn't want any pickles in his burger. I didn't even serve him. I'd just started my shift. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He also decided the best way to end our relationship was to kill me and our virtual child on The Sims 3 by setting us on fire. FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he finds his car more attractive than me. FML

Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML

Today, my boyfriend compared my boobs to a flat tire. FML

Today, I found my pet hamster that escaped yesterday, wet and soggy, next to my pet dog. My dog chewed it. FML

Pussy palace

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love for the first time, when out of nowhere my cat meowed from the doorway. My boyfriend sighed, pulled out, and exasperatedly called me a selfish bitch for not having put my cat outside. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML

Today, I had to excuse myself from the classroom so I could have a quick wank. This was because I somehow got extremely horny during a lesson on frog reproduction. FML

Just a prank, bro!

Today, my friends switched my mom and my girlfriend's numbers in my phone. I sexted my mom. FML

Today, I was so bored that I actually read the iTunes store's terms and conditions. FML

Today, while at the grocery store, I saw my mother. I thought it would be funny to scare her by sneaking up and grabbing her ass. Not only was it not my mom, I left the place with a ban from ever returning to that store. FML

Today, I packed my bags and left for the airport. When I passed through security, the X-ray scanner discovered that my cat had also come along for the ride. FML

Today, my dog was diagnosed with depression. I got him to help with my depression. I guess we can just be miserable together. FML

Today, I walked in on my dad straightening my dog's fur. His excuse? The dog needed to feel pretty. FML