thatunfortunateg

Today, I walked in on my mom and dad. It wasn't my dad. FML

Today, I was trying to see how far I could get away from the toilet while pissing. Instead I tripped over backwards and pissed all over my face. FML

Today, I'm in Mexico and am supposed to be skydiving for my Christmas gift. Instead, I'm coming out of the hospital with x-rays, an ankle splint, and a $800 bill because I fell on the bottom step of a flight of stairs. FML

Today, I was sent to the hospital for being knocked out with a potato. FML

Sorry for asking…

Today, my grandma told me to fuck off when I tried to help her with the dishes. FML

Today, as I walked into my class, someone shouted at me, "Wild Snorlax Appeared! Use Your Ultra Balls!", since I am overweight and everyone in class laughed at me. I got made fun of by Pokémon nerds. FML

Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML

Today, I was rushed to the hospital because I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. Why was I crying? My favorite anime character died. FML

Pissed

Today, I was at one of the urinals in a bathroom. A chubby kid goes to the urinal next to mine and starts peeing violently. Apparently, he was peeing so violently that it splashed onto my legs the whole time. I picked the wrong day to wear shorts. FML

Gamers, man…

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, he started playing with my nipples. Suddenly he stops kissing me, looks at my nipples and says, "Have they always been like this? They look like joysticks!" He then started singing the Super Mario Brothers theme song and playing the game with my nipples. FML

Today, I was t-boned by a car that sent mine flying into five parked cars. My car was totalled. As the person who hit me pulled me out of the right side of the car he said, "Sorry. I sneezed." FML

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

Traitor

Today, my best friend, who I've known since high schoo, is getting married. I'm supposed to give a toast during the reception about how great the bride and groom are. I've been sleeping with the groom for the past seven months. FML

Today, I came home to a dead fish duct-taped to the wall of my dorm room. I can't reach it. FML

Today, my 8 year-old adopted daughter told me she wants me to take her back so another family can adopt her because I don't give her enough toys. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

Today, I tried to contact my birth mother, who abandoned me when I was three weeks old. After months of tracing, I finally plucked up the courage to call her. She told me to "f*ck off and die". FML

Today, I found out that even though my sister and I are identical twins, I'm known as "The ugly one". FML

Get them away from me

Today, I was attacked by clowns at work. I don't work at the circus. FML

Today, I got slapped in the face by my girlfriend with a banana skin, because I finished up the chocolate cake. FML

Life hacks

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML

Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML

Today, my neighbors got a rooster. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were playfully arguing about who loved the other more. After about a minute of this, my girlfriend walked over and kicked me in the crotch as hard as she could. She then said, "There, now you don't love me as much. I win." FML

Today, I was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs. FML

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

Bananarama

Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML

Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML

Today, I brought my girlfriend of four months home for dinner to meet my parents. The first thing my mom says to her? "Oh my God, you're real!" FML

Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML