Skylae

Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML

Today, at 1am, the girl of my dreams that I've been trying for over three years to date, finally asked me out via SMS. Too bad I was asleep at the time. She now thinks I've rejected her, and will no longer speak to me. FML

Another fine mess

Today, I bought my wedding dress and sat it on the bed while I went to buy matching shoes. When I came home, I saw my soon to be husband on the bed sitting next to my wedding dress. Turns out he spilt Coca-Cola on the dress and was trying to get it out with carpet cleanser. FML

Today, I was at my boyfriend's apartment, when I came across a lacy black thong in the laundry. When confronted, he swore it was his. I don't know what's worse, the possibility that another woman left it there, or the idea that my boyfriend owns and wears women's lingerie. FML

Today, I was on a first date. When the bill came, he refused to pay for my $6 salad. I had to go ATM-hunting to pay for my $6 salad. FML

No sleep til Brooklyn

Today, finally we got our toddler daughter to sleep in her own bed. The wife and I were both excited to finally have our room to ourselves. Just as our daughter was about to fall asleep, the damn cat went into her room and loudly hacked up a huge hairball. Now she's back in mommy's and daddy's bed. FML

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, my wife then told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

Many such cases

Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm while wiping my butt. FML

Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I'm out of work and can't afford a cell phone, so I resorted to standing at the back of my van holding a "HELP" sign. About an hour went by, in which time I was passed by a cop car, a firetruck, and a car that said "Roadside Assistance." FML

Bon appétit

Today, I took some friends out to the woods to show them a natural spring. I explained to them that the water bubbles up from underground, and that it's clean and tasty. I bent down and drank a few hefty handfuls, only to look up and see a dead raccoon floating near me. FML

Today, I saw a pregnant woman fall off her moped. As I helped her back up, I asked if her baby was okay. I was then blindsided by her brick of a purse while she screeched, "I'm not pregnant!" FML

Today, I was eating Jell-O and was reading a fact website, when I read that gelatin is made from the collagen in cow or pig bones. I'm vegetarian. FML

Today, my crush walked me home. As my mom opens the door, she tells me in Russian how ugly he is, and that I have extremely bad taste. Out of all the languages in the world, he happens to be fluent in Russian. FML

Today, when I signed into Amazon, their top recommendation for me based on past purchases was "The Brave Little Toaster" on DVD. FML

Today, I volunteered to help out at an elementary school. I accidentally elbowed a little girl in the face while playing tag. And an hour later, a little boy flew out of his swing because I accidentally pushed him too hard. They're both siblings and are my child psychology instructor's kids. FML

Today, at a concert, my friend grew tired of holding her bag. She asked a man to hold it, saying that he wouldn't steal it "since it was hers". I quietly told her she was too naïve and irresponsible. After the concert, I got home and noticed my wallet was stolen instead, right out of my pocket. FML

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I'd kissed another girl five days before we got together. She told me, "That's OK, I slept with my boss last week." FML

Today, for the first time, a good looking guy was in my yoga class. Today also marked the first time I farted during yoga class. FML

Today, I found out why my wife insisted on naming our first child "George" if it was a boy. It was her first love's name. FML

Today, I spent 30 minutes trying to unlock my garage door. After shouting several profanities, my roommate walked up to me, turned the key the other way, and unlocked it. FML

Today, my boyfriend thought the garbage can in our kitchen smelled bad. Instead of cleaning it, he had it equipped with a Wunderbaum. Our entire house now smells like "New Car". FML

Today, my phone decided to delete all my numbers. I posted on Facebook that people should message or text me if they felt like I should have their number. I didn't get a single reply. FML

Drop it!

Today, I got a ticket for vandalizing public property. I decided to draw a cat on the street outside my house in sidewalk chalk. I'm 20, and I have to explain to my parents why I'm playing with chalk instead of studying. FML

Get a life

Today, I spent an hour deleting 70 of my status posts from the past week so I don't look so addicted to Facebook. Damn, I need a life. FML

Today, eating my weight in breadsticks at Olive Garden and trying to relive my childhood via a pogo stick was not a good combination. My new shoes are now a different color. FML

Today, I bought my boyfriend a gold watch for our 2 year anniversary. He bought me a jar of Nutella. FML

Today, I was stuck at the airport overnight waiting for my flight for about 5 hours. I then went and looked at the departures board. It said that my flight had already departed. FML

Today, I complimented a girl on her stockings pattern. Turns out she wasn't wearing stockings. FML

Today, my boyfriend caught me in a lie about being on my period. He memorized my menstrual cycle, but still forgot that today is my birthday. FML

Today, my bike got stolen because I left my keys in the lock. On my way home, I saw my bike in front of a store, unlocked. I jumped on it, only to get punched in the face by the guy that had taken it, and got it stolen from me again. FML