Skylae

Today, I went to my hairdresser who promised me a haircut which "all the girls would want you" for. She gave me a combover. FML

Today, I was taking the bus to work and it was a rather bumpy ride. The child sitting across from me asked her mom if her chin moves like mine when the bus goes up. FML

Great suggestion

Today, my family and I were discussing my birthday, in a couple weeks. As they asked what I wanted, I told them it was up to them. So my mother suggested that she'll get me electrolysis so I wouldn't have to worry about my mustache in college. FML

Today, I learned that instead of discarding expired products at my work, we change the label to make them 'expire' later. FML

Today, whilst working at the supermarket, a man came through my checkout who couldn't open the plastic bags. I thought it would be a laugh to make fun of him because of it, saying "Come on! What's wrong with you?". Turns out he has arthritis. And Parkinson's Disease. He left, more than angry. FML

Today, I was on my first date with my crush. When I saw her, I greeted her with, "Hey, sweetheart." She's convinced I said, "Hey, retard." FML

Today, my crush went on webcam on MSN. He looked really adorable, so I took about 6 screen shots and copied them into paint. I accidentally took a screenshot of my screen with all the pictures on paint and copied it into the conversation. FML

Today, I had to confess to my mother that I was too hungover to take her to her AA meeting. FML

Grossed out

Today, after threatening my son for weeks that if he didn't clean his room, I would, I went in, equipped with a garbage bag, ready to throw away everything I found, only to discover dozens of empty bottles, two partially empty pizza boxes, Taco Bell wrappers, and cockroaches. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. His response? "Is that why you have been so clingy and annoying lately?" FML

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of five months is pregnant. Apparently, she stopped taking her pill two months ago because "we" wanted a baby. I don't recall ever having that discussion with her. FML

Nothing for money

Today, my boss told me I was fired 3 weeks ago because there's no money to pay me, meaning that I worked the last three weeks for free. FML

This aged well

Today, while moving, I asked my wife where she put the alcohol. She told me she threw it out, because it was old. It was Scotch. It's supposed to be old. FML

Today, I was playing a math game with a 4th grade boy (I'm a college graduate). I cheated during the entire game, and still lost 7 of the 9 rounds we played. FML

Today, I went to the drive-through and ordered 5 cheeseburgers. I told the cashier that some of them were for my girlfriend. I don't have a girlfriend, and I ate all of them by myself. FML

Inked out

Today, I was talking to my tattoo artist about how my girlfriend broke up with me. She had also gotten her tattoos from him, so they had talked quite a bit. He told me she had been cheating on me with her ex for two and a half months. He didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose business. FML

Today, my mum thought it would be acceptable to tell my school that the reason I will not be attending classes is because I have "the shits." FML

Today, before a big client pitch I went into their office bathroom to quickly slick down my hair. It had two identical automatic faucets, one for water and one for hand soap. Now my hair is full of soap, and smells like industrial strength lavender. FML

Today, my fiancé admitted to me that the only reason he's attracted to me and asked me to marry him is because I look and act like his favorite anime character. FML

Today, I signed up to a Christian website in order to try and 'find God again'. I got banned. FML

Today, I spent ages at CVS waiting for a flu shot. The main cause of holdup was a disagreement between the pharmacist and the insurance company over 4 cents. FML

Today, I was being driven to get my wisdom teeth removed and I was panicking all the way there. When we got to the office, I was told that I'd been brought in on the wrong day, and that I have to do this all over again tomorrow. FML

This is shit

Today, I realised it takes me longer to take a dump than it does to have sex with my boyfriend. I also realised taking a dump is more satisfying. FML

Today, the girl I really liked started talking to me, so I asked her out on a date. After waiting an hour at the theatre, I texted her asking where she was. She replied with, "Oh! You were serious about the date?!" FML

Today, I woke up at 3am to go to work. This will be my new routine from now on. FML

Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom. FML

Today, I finally told my dad that he owes me over 400 dollars, and that I need it or else I'd get kicked out of my apartment. He only gave me 70 and said to get a better job. FML

Today, I made a video for a school tour of my apartment in German. The walls in my apartment are thin, so you could hear my sister having phone sex in her room in the background. FML

Today, I learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I'm also allergic to nuts. FML

Today, while I was trying to explain to my friend how smoking weed everyday doesn't make you stupid, I forgot what I was talking about mid-sentence. FML