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Today, I got paper thrown at me because I didn't agree with my classmate's conspiracy theory that Brian Griffin's death was planned by the illuminati. FML

Today, my wicked mother has been with us for a week. She's already thrown away my daughter's favorite toy, broke my computer, scratched my oak table, stained my most expensive shirt, peed in our bed, and called the attention of the cops by staring at kids in school. She's staying for three months. FML

Today, I came home to a noise complaint letter taped to my apartment door. I haven't been home in over a month. FML

Today, I dropped a $400 bottle of wine while trying to get the cork out. FML

Today, my grandma commented on my Facebook profile picture: "That's a great photo! It doesn't look anything like you!" FML

It is

Today, my fifteen year-old son decided to tell his little five year-old sister that Santa isn't real. She now refuses to talk to any of us and thinks "her whole life is a lie". FML

Today, I found out that I take long enough showers for my boyfriend to sleep with my sister and put everything back to normal before I get out. I found out when I needed more shampoo that was in a shopping bag in my room. FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she loves the most about me. She said it's the fact that I look like her cousin. FML

Today, my boyfriend bought a onesie. He sleeps in it, goes out in it and won't take it off, not even for sex. FML

Today, my elderly neighbor along with our community church's priest came to my house and demanded to "give them the girl". The girl is my 3-year-old daughter, who has natural born red irises and is photo-sensitive. And yes, we are also Romanian. FML

Today, I discovered that my stepbrother has been telling his friends that I'm his girlfriend. FML

So creepy

Today, my crazy ex-girlfriend legally changed her last name to mine. I'm getting married in a week. FML

Today, I woke up in my hospital bed after having knee surgery, on the wrong knee. FML

Today, I woke up and coughed up the spider I thought I'd killed last night. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me I'm beautiful. Before I could thank him, he continued, "Too bad it takes a shit-load of makeup." FML

Founding father

Today, my band members and I were brainstorming ideas to help increase our fanbase. My drummer suggested they replace me for someone attractive. Everyone agreed and now they're trying to kick me out of the band I started. FML

Today, I found out that I am bleeding from my cervix and must refrain from having sex for the next two weeks. My fiancé pointedly asked if my cervix has anything to do with my mouth. FML

Today, I farted so loud that I woke myself up. And the stranger sitting next to me on the airplane. FML

Today, I saw the guy who helped me yesterday when I was lost by telling me which bus to take. He came up to me and asked me how it went. I told him that the bus went the exact opposite way I wanted to go. He laughed and said, "I know." FML

Today, my mother told her friends that I work as a call girl. I'm a call center agent. FML

Today, my girlfriend sent her new boyfriend over to my place to break up with me for her. FML

Today, my boss found out that my girlfriend dumped me. He asked if that meant she would no longer bring her delicious homemade cookies to the office. When I said yes, he fired me on the spot. FML

Today, my cousin started sending sarcastic love messages to me. I replied, with even cheesier lines. Then she rang me saying she was so glad I felt the same way. Turns out she wasn't being sarcastic. FML

Today, I asked my mom why she had two tooth brushes: one manual and one electric. She said: "I only use the manual one for brushing my teeth." FML

Today, I went to the doctor, only to find out I can no longer eat chocolate, my favorite food. When I got home, my boyfriend took the chocolate cake I'd been eating from the fridge, sat down in front of me, and ate the whole thing without breaking eye contact. FML

Today, I had to skip class to attend a truancy court hearing. FML

Today, my grandfather told me that I was ugly. When my mom found out, she said that, "Old people are allowed to tell the truth." FML

Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML

Today, I realized that if you are dreaming that you have diarrhea, you probably have diarrhea. FML

Today, someone thought it would be funny to steal the precious stuffed bear I've had since childhood and leave a ransom note in its place. FML