evolute72113

Today, my girlfriend of three weeks found the engagement ring I tried to give to my ex. She started crying and said yes. FML

Today, my boyfriend was stroking my stomach and looking into my eyes. It was very romantic, until he grabbed my love handles and said, "Mmmm... bacon..." FML

Today, I dreamed I was wrestling an alligator. I quickly woke up to my girlfriend yelling and me holding her in a headlock. FML

Freaked out

Today, after moving into my new house, I woke up to strange sounds coming from the kitchen. I panicked and started sobbing, convinced it was either a robbery or a home invasion. Turned out it was just my cat. FML

Today, I was called in over speakers at the airport. The man who was speaking clearly and nearly burst out laughing when he said my name. Soon, a few people around also snickered when they heard it. I had to wait five minutes before I could casually stand up. My last name is Bastard. FML

Happy Caturday!

Today, I learned that while other people drunk call their exes, I drunk adopt cats. Seven cats, to be exact. FML

Today, my goat decided my hairstyle was so last season and restyled it for me with his teeth. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She just grabbed the ring and said in a raspy voice, "My precious..." FML

Today, my girlfriend got up in the middle of sex saying, "You're taking too long, I'm gonna go make some popcorn." I asked her if she could get me some. She said no. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I got in a fight about which is better: Star Wars or Lord of the Rings. We aren't speaking. FML

Today, my dad was telling me some childhood stories. He mentioned I once started sucking on a cow's udder when I was 2, and I asked why didn't he stop me. His response: "You were an accident and I wasn't good at the parenting thing". FML

Today, I noticed I spend so much time with my cats that I tend to hiss at things that scare me or that I don't like. I'm turning into a cat. FML

Today, I got dragged into playing doubles tennis. It was me and my wife against her parents. I wound up hitting the ball too hard. My mother-in-law, who has the reaction times of a comatose turtle, got nailed. Everyone's convinced I did it on purpose because of our mutual hatred of each other. FML

Today, while my husband was at work, he missed our son saying his first word ("Dada"), taking his first steps and smashing the widescreen TV with a well-aimed teddy bear. Care to guess which of these three things made my husband cry. FML

Today, my girlfriend let me stay over at her house for the first time. I went into her room only to find out she's obsessed with the Joker and has a bunch of posters and toys of him. I am deathly afraid of clowns. FML

Fighting talk

Today, my dad and uncle got in an argument over money and ended up fighting in the back garden. Only, my dad is a muay thai fighter and my uncle is an MMA fighter, and they're refusing to stop until one of them is out cold. I foresee me driving them both to the hospital before midnight. FML

Method

Today, my 13 year-old son had a seizure in the middle of his history class. We were at the hospital for three hours and several expensive tests later he informed me he faked the seizure so he could get out of a group presentation. He was so proud that he was such a good actor. FML