Today, I found out my boyfriend keeps a gun under his pillow. This was only after my friends and I surprised him with his birthday cake while he was sleeping. FML
Today, I learned that dirty talk does NOT get me off. My boyfriend and I were having sex and I said, "I'm going to come" during the beginning of my orgasm. My orgasm immediately stopped right after I said that. I'd managed to turn myself off. FML
Today, I married the woman I love. I wasn't the groom, I was the minister. FML
Today, as I put my 4 year-old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML
Today, I came home from work. I was really tired and told my son that I would make him dinner later. He called the cops saying, "Mommy won't feed me." FML
Today, waking up I noticed that my female boss had texted me during the night, telling me she wants me bad. I'm a woman, happily married to a man, and now have to turn her down somehow and not get fired in the process. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend while he was drunk, and he told me to get protection from his bedroom. I came back, he was passed out on the couch. His parents then came into the room after hearing noises. I was sitting there naked holding a condom while he was fast asleep. FML
Today, I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. FML
Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML
Today, I decided to wake my fiancé up by giving him a blowjob. When he finally started to wake up he called me by his ex's name. FML
Today, I realized I get more pleasure from a tampon than my boyfriend I have been having sex with for the past six months. FML
Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML
Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. She took everything, including the kidney I gave her a year ago. FML
Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML
Today, I decided to formally introduce my girlfriend to my parents. My dad took the opportunity to apologize for walking in on us a few days ago while we were having sex. It wasn't her. Thanks dad. FML
Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He passionately laid me down onto the bed, both of us fully naked. Pressing down on my shoulder, he ended up dislocating it. The pain made me pee myself. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me masturbating. All I could say was, "Uh, I had an itch…" FML
Today, I was driving home from work when I saw the woman in the car in front of me throw something out the window. Only when it landed on my windshield did I realize what it was. A bloody tampon. FML
Today, another of my dad's blind dates went bad, so I took him out for a beer. I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and when I came back, two guys were congratulating my dad on scoring such a hot piece of ass, and said the sex must be awesome. My dad played along with it. FML
Today, I found out that my fellow marching band mates all refer to me as "The short girl with big tits" because none of them can remember my name. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML
Today, I was getting dirty with my boyfriend. It was the first time he had fingered anyone, and the only thing he said was, "It feels like the inside of my asshole." FML
Today, a guy I've been seeing for a while sent me a link to a porn site, with the message, "Holy fuck, isn't this your mom?!" Thinking he was joking around, I clicked the link just to see what sick shit he wanted to show me. It was my mom. FML
Today, I realized that my life would make an excellent meme: Nerd girl goes to college, finally loses virginity; gets chlamydia. FML
Today, I was at the breakfast table when my sister started eating a banana. Before I knew what was happening, I'd somehow popped a boner. I had to wait for her to leave before I could stand up. FML
Today, I had plans for a romantic night with my boyfriend, who is perfect in every way possible. We were going to have sex for the first time as well. Unfortunately, I had a dream last night about him shitting all over me and I can't look at him with a straight face. FML
Today, I found out that there's something my new wife hates more than spiders. Black people. FML
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