Exlax

Today, I got an email from a guy to whom I sold my old phone to over eBay. Turns out I forgot to delete the nude photos of myself and my boyfriend that I had stored up. His email asked me for "any PIN numbers needed to use the phone, and oh by the way, nice tits." FML

Today, I logged on to MSN for the first time in a month. In under 10 minutes, I found out that my little sister had changed my screen name to Jake the Weiner, told my friend that he should "suck my d***" and sent an email to all my contacts declaring my love for my best friend. FML

Today, I logged onto facebook, and saw that one of my friends had just listed herself as in a relationship. I was happy for her, so I clicked the "like" button. Then I went to her page to see who her new boyfriend was. It was my boyfriend. FML

Today, I was in my new boyfriend's apartment for the first time. As I was flipping through his photo albums, I came across one full of disturbingly candid pictures of me. I found some as early as my trip to the state fair, three years ago. I met my boyfriend two months ago. FML

Today, my mother woke me up by saying "Good morning my sexually aggressive daughter. We're going to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation today." Our awkward talk consisted of her telling me that I'm a tease and am going to get raped. Why? She caught me making out with my boyfriend. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is cheating on me, with the same guy I was cheating on him with. FML

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

Today, I came home and found a few of my faux fur coats completely butchered. On my way to interrogate my boys, the only ones home, I found our husky dog, who was recently shaved for an operation, covered in the fur that once belonged to my coat. My boys said 'he was cold'. FML

Today, I got called to a biker bar to break up a fight between my parents. FML

The book of revelations

Today, my mom found a book of dirty stories I'd written in tenth grade. She then told me that I wrote about things she'd never even thought about, and she's been having sex for years. If that wasn't bad enough, she's taken them in to work to show people. FML

Dumbass

Today, my drunk boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to light a firework in the back seat of my car while we were driving down the interstate. FML

Today, my boss told me he is a superhero. He has written countless comics about his crusades and adventures. I make fifty dollars an hour less than him. FML

Today, at work, a woman came up to the counter and asked if we made sweet and sour chicken. Before I could answer, she told me a really long recipe and said "I expect to see this on the menu next time I come in, or I will complain to the manager about your lousy work ethic". I work at Starbucks. FML

TMI

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. I also found out from her husband that she has her nipples and nether regions pierced. FML

Today, my eye started hurting with unbelievable pain. I couldn't see out of it and I asked my father if he would take me to the hospital, since it was hurting so bad. He said he had to wait for the pizza he ordered for delivery. I had to call a cab to go to the emergency room because of pizza. FML

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because she wants to "become" a lesbian. I also learned that she's coming to my house for dinner tonight. My sister is her date. FML

Today, I come home to find my nephew holding pieces of my new $3,500 Sony Video Camera. He told me he threw it out the window because it was a portal for aliens. FML

Today, I began my job volunteering at an orphanage in Beijing, China, working with 7-year-olds who just started learning english. We played a game where, if you got caught, you had to sing a song. I got caught, so I chose the ABCs. They all knew the song perfectly, I missed 3 letters. FML

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I got reservations for a romantic dinner, and at the end, fireworks would spell out my proposal. The whole thing had taken weeks to plan out and had cost me a lot of money. She proposed to me at a subway station first. FML

Today, my suburban, white boyfriend of two years told me he wanted to tell me something serious. He sat me down, looked me in the eye and said "I want to be gangster." I started laughing thinking he was joking. He was 100% serious. FML

Today, I was in the car with my mom and dad. My mom turned around and asked, "Have you had sex yet?" I said no, which is true. My dad cracked up and said, "Told you so!" My mom frowned, took out her wallet, and handed him $20. My parents bet on my nonexistent sex life. FML

Today, I heard a student in the class I assist having trouble with a download. I walked over and showed him how to save to his flash drive, and how to use 7z to unzip said file. I then found out I'd just assisted him in downloading a half gig of porn during class. FML

What the…?

Today, one of my bosses came into work and told me that they had seen my dad's twin in the supermarket holding hands and kissing a much younger woman and her baby. My dad doesn't have a twin. FML

Today, I turned 23. I had asked my mom for some things to decorate my new place. As I opened the box to reveal my gift, a mirror was inside. I liked the mirror. I did not like the note attached that said "Look inside the mirror to see who is now 100% financially responsible for themselves." FML

You never know

Today, I was talking to my good friend's girlfriend. She mentioned being afraid of losing her job. Because she was still a teenager, I jokingly said, "Oh, like you're responsible for a whole family!" She is. FML

Today, I was at a second interview for a job that I really need as I got laid off last month. Midway through the interview, I went to cross my legs and realized I had 2 different shoes on. FML

Manly man

Today, I was taking a shower and I saw a new body wash that said "Radiance Ribbons." That sounded a little effeminate, but it smelled manly enough and the only alternative was normal soap, so I used it. Just now, I stepped out into the sun and found out what "Radiance Ribbons" means. I sparkle. FML

Today, I woke up from a nap to hear my roommate having some intimate time with his hand. The slopping and slurping sounds along with the girly man squeal as he finished haunted me all day. FML

Today, my mum called and told me she had bought me a new, white dish washer for my apartment because it doesn't have one. I was SO excited and told her I'd pay her back as soon as I could. I only had to pay her $1.25. She bought me a sponge. FML

Dirty old bat

Today, as I was bent over at my waitressing job, an elderly woman walked by and smacked my ass. I looked at her, shocked, and she said, "It was too tempting with you bent over like that, I have a dirty old mind." I didn't know whether to be flattered or horrified. Maybe both. FML