N123F

Remember now?

Today, I woke up with a hangover and my girlfriend seemed pissed at me. It took me a while before I remembered having sex the night before. I just didn't know exactly what had happened after that had pissed her off. Then I realized nothing happened, because I fell asleep while she was on top of me. FML

Today, a student of mine used the phrase "well, you know, like back in your day" about defining "going out". I'm only 24. FML

Today, I bought a pair of new speakers for my comp. I forgot I had installed various volume enhancing programs and also maxed out all sound settings. I connected the new speakers and played some music. The sound destroyed them. FML

Big book of baby names

Today, I was told that my mom and her new husband have named my newborn brother "Titan". FML

Today, I realized I spend way too much time on the computer. I grabbed the menu at the restaurant, glanced at the page, and tried to do CTRL+F to find seafood. Geek coming through! FML

Today, wanting to change from the usual pizza/coca cola menu, I decide to cook. After spending 1h30 making a "beef chili with ancho, mole, and cumin" I sprinkle a bit of salt on top of it. The top came off the salt. I think it's back to pizzas for me. FML

Today, the only girl I really loved said to me: I want you to be the father of my child, but I don't want to be your girlfriend. FML

Today, my mom asked me for advice on how to give a good blow job. I'm a guy. FML

Today, the guy I've secretly been in love with for years told me how hot my brother is. FML

Today, I went to get a scratch off lottery ticket, and the dude in front of me got the same one I was going to get. He won 500 dollars. I got 2 bucks. FML

Today, my mom gave me and my brothers each a cd of her recent photoshoot for her book. I found out later that my mom didn't know how to burn only SOME of the photos on the CD, and ended up burning all of the photos onto the CD. Some of the photos were provocative. FML

Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom tried to bribe him with an iPhone to dump me. He accepted. FML

Today, I had a dream that I was 25, unemployed, living with my parents, and still completely in love with someone who no longer feels the same way about me. Oh wait... it wasn't a dream. FML

Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML

Today, my fiance told me that he no longer loves me, that he still has feelings for an ex. The wedding is off and he needs the ring back to give to the right woman. FML

Today, I turned on my camera to find pictures of my dad's secretary giving him a blowjob. Minutes later, I hear a scream from another room as my 12-year-old sister discovers similar pictures on HER camera. Mom and dad say it's no big deal. FML

Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML

Yikes

Today, my boyfriend of two years sent me a text message saying, "Don't worry I'm gonna break up with her soon. Love you." FML

Today, I woke up to my car covered in shaving cream and tampons and the word CHEATER written on my windshield in lipstick. The guy a few doors down from me in my dorm has the same car as me. I'm a virgin. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

Today, as my boyfriend was trying to convince me that he was not having an affair with another woman named Julie, he looked me in the eye and exclaimed, "I would never cheat on you, I love you more than anything, Julie". FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Mid-thrust she says "I love you, Jeremy." Then in rapid succession, she fires off 2 other names. None of the names were mine. FML

Wanker

Today, I can't decide what's worse, my mom walking in on me doing the five knuckle shuffle, or the one hour talk the next day about how it's perfectly normal and even she does it. FML

Cheap

Today, this guy took me to Denny's on a first date and used a 2-for-1 coupon. It was expired. I paid. FML

Today, I found a used condom and wrapper in the bathroom trash can at my girlfriends house. The condom is not a brand I've ever used. She lives alone. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and said I was not 'Christian enough' for her. Later I found out she had been cheating on me with my best friend. FML

WTF is going on here?

Today, I drove my girlfriend home around 11pm to her garage where we started to have sex. When she came to climax she slipped and hit her head. Her parents heard the crash and came down; we were both still naked, and she was unconscious. FML