En couple
Today, I informed my family of my plans to divorce my wife after catching her cheating on me twice. They bitched me out because I will not be able to survive financially or emotionally without her support. I'm a doctor. She's been unemployed for 2 straight years. FML
Today, I was in class and really needed to pee. My teacher has chosen to replace our hall pass with a copy of War and Peace. She picks out a page for us to memorise on the shitter, and repeat by heart later. If we can't remember, we get locked out of class, and then get detention for being absent. FML
Today, I somehow managed to slam my trumpet case closed on my nipple. FML
Today, my uncle gave me a lecture on how I eat too much "unhealthy" junk food, and that it can be very harmful for me. All the while smoking a cigarette. FML
Today, I asked the 7-year-old that I was babysitting if he could burp on command. He said he could, and began to demonstrate. It turns out he couldn't purposely burp, but he definitely could vomit on command. FML
Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML
Today, I was finally paid back by a friend who wrote a check out. Not really looking at it, I went to the bank to deposit it. As I handed it to the teller, I noticed that he had written "sex" in the "for" memo. FML
Today, I walked into work, after having given my boss a weather prediction last week, so he could decide on which day to open a new company division. I was immediately taken aside and written up for "providing false information, adversely impacting morale". FML
Today, as I was walking down the street, a car full of hot girls pulled up and asked if I wanted to party. Obviously, I said yes. They then shot at me with party poppers and threw party food all over me. FML
Today, I've had my tenth "Christmas" dinner since Christmas last took place. My mum has gone nuts and keeps playing Christmas music, making these dinners, and refusing to let me take down the Christmas decorations. My dad is too whipped to save us from this hell. FML
Today, I decided to dye my hair blue. The result is slightly different than I expected: my white bathroom is now blue, and so are my skin and nails. The only thing that isn't blue is my hair, which is now green. FML
Today, I found out my son was selling pot for pesos. We live in New Jersey and have never planned on going to Mexico. FML
Today, I found a decomposing hamster deep in my closet. My daughter had hidden "Peach" after accidentally killing it and said it had ran away a month ago. And I'd believed her. FML
Today, being useless at thinking of gifts, I asked my boyfriend what he wants for Christmas. I said it could be anything that I could afford. He looked me in the eye and said very seriously: "Anal." FML
Today, I witnessed my dad rummage through his nostrils, thoughtfully examine the contents, and flick them nonchalantly onto the carpet. All of this he did with the biggest demented grin on his face. Sadly, this has become a regular occurrence. FML
Today, I was shocked to notice that my hair has started growing out entirely silver, supposedly due to pregnancy. I'm 19. Apparently, according to my aunt, "It runs in the family." FML
Today, my boss sent me a link on how to write a good resignation letter. FML
Today, I witnessed my very overweight cat trying to jump over my fence, only to shit himself half way up, and then land in it. FML
Today, my coworker pointed to our nervous new intern and asked who he was. I jokingly said, "Can't you tell? He's our new slave." I then quickly realized how bad that sounded, given the intern is black. FML
Today, as usual, my boyfriend referred to his penis in the third person as "Mr. Willy". Even during sex. FML
Today, I was brushing my teeth. When it came time for me to spit, I absentmindedly opened the bathroom drawer and spat in there instead of in the sink. FML
Today, my parents grounded me because I refused to do my little sister's homework for her. FML
Today, at an important statewide band performance, my mom stayed in her seat, silent, while everyone else gave a standing ovation. FML
Today, at a mind-numbingly boring support session, everyone was talking about their hardships. One guy was talking about losing his leg in a car accident. I was half-asleep and asked without thinking, "Did you ever find it?" I almost shat my pants at the roomful of death glares that followed. FML
Today, I bought a garden gnome to spice up my lawn. Tonight, someone threw it right through my living room window. Not only will the repairs cost a ton, my neighbor keeps saying stupid shit to me, like "You must be shattered" and "Looks like you ain't got a window gnome... more." FML
Today, at my house party, I caught my boyfriend having sex with my best friend. His excuse? He wanted to be better in bed for me. FML
Today, in the middle of a presentation, I fought a shart, but the shart won. FML
Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our first child. With the most shit-eating grin, he said, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm Dad." FML
Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. When I came home, I realised he must have married my roommate. FML
Today, my spineless shitwhip of a boss made me go fire a notoriously abusive employee. I had to act like firing him was my decision, even though I'm the secretary. Now I get to live in constant fear that the guy was serious when he threatened to find out where I live and kill me. FML
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