Today, while I was working at Chipotle, a teenage girl asked in all seriousness if she "could have a steak burrito, but with like, chicken instead?" FML
Today, my husband and I went for our 20 week scan and found out we're having a girl. The first thing he said to me was, "The next one better be a boy or I'm leaving you". FML
Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML
Today, I was mentioning to a coworker how there was a huge lull today in business. A young coworker then turned to me and sead in a snooty tone, "I think you mean a 'lol', it's pronounced L-O-L." FML
Today, while taking an order over the phone for the customer at work, I began to hear slight moans. The moans gradually became faster and louder, until climax was achieved and I realized I was being used for phone sex. FML
Today, my mom showed my girlfriend a picture of me crying when I pooped in the bathtub. FML
Today, I realized how amazing I've become at faking orgasms: I made up everything from the noises of my juices to pure, blissful climax over the phone to my husband. He came; I finished putting laundry away. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I "jack off real weird." FML
Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents, despite my long-standing protests. Over the next hour, they asked her if she'd ever considered becoming a swinger, why not, if she'd ever consider it in future, and to keep them in mind if she does. FML
Today, I got an angry call to the phone shop where I work. The caller demanded that we give him his money back. His reason? He said he'd been tricked because his phone got ruined by water "even though he was using the waterproof application". FML
Today, my girlfriend tried explaining a duck flying into our living room and taking a shit everywhere as "paranormal activity". FML
Today, I helped a nice middle-aged lady pick out a sweater. She then opened her changing room door to ask for my opinion. I still don't understand why she had to take everything else off to try on a sweater. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to a scary movie, hoping I could comfort her at a scary part. Instead when a scary part came on, she reacted by throwing up all over my lap and the person in front of us. FML
Today, I was taking some clean bedsheets down from the top of the wardrobe. As I pulled the top sheet down, a cat jumped onto my face, claws and all, before falling to the floor and running away. Thing is, I don't own a cat and I have no idea where in the house it has hidden now. FML
Today, I watched "Time of the Doctor" and I'm pretty sure my love of Doctor Who slithered out through my ear and shamefully lodged itself in the darkest corner of the room, crying. FML
Today, my dog has found a new game he likes. It involves him rolling around on my new bed sheets to build up static electricity and run and poke me with his nose so I get shocked. FML
Today, I took an extra Xanax to help with my anxiety, then went to sleep. I guess it was probably too much, because I woke up a few hours later, freaking out and panicking because I was convinced I was a bee trapped in a human body. FML
Today, marks the third week since my sister's guinea pig learned to masturbate. He humps his wheel and makes squeaking noises for five minutes, then rolls over on his side and pants heavily. He does it at least twice a night while I'm trying to sleep. FML
Today, at lunch, I told a bunch of people how I had been in love with this guy since freshman year. I made a bunch of jokes about how I was going to marry him and our kids would be so attractive. He was at the table next to mine and looked back at me as soon as I finished. FML
Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and as I pulled out to finish I slipped and ended up punching her in the stomach, I came while she was writhing in pain. FML
Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimer's. FML
Today, my friend and I thought it would be funny if we could both fit into her big sweatpants. When we tried to take a step, she fell on top of me. She started peeing uncontrollably. We had to cut ourselves out of the sweatpants. FML
Today, I called my mom to tell her that I finally got my period. There was an awkward pause. She was at work. I was on speakerphone. FML
Today, my best friend and I came home from Japan. Her boyfriend and I have been having an affair before I left so I decided not to tell him she was coming with me. We just got off the plane and got a bite to eat, he was waiting for me so he could propose, my best friend was standing next to me. FML
Today, I got accepted to the North America Scholar Consortium as a Member of the Highest Honor, which I had applied for a few weeks ago. Happy to be able to add something good to my resume, I called my mom excitedly, and then Googled it to ascertain the level of prestige. Turns out it's a scam. FML
Today, I was eating some left over Easter peanut MandMs at work, when I exclaimed "oh cool, they have E's on them for Easter". It took me a couple of minutes, but I eventually realized that I was looking at a regular MandM sideways. Definitely explains my coworkers' uncontrollable laughter. FML
Today, I got approached by a hot young lady in a bar. After joking around for a few minutes she said, "Hey, I love your jacket, where'd you get that?" I then told her that it's actually a replica of the Indiana Jones jacket. This is when she remembered that she "had to go somewhere." FML
Today, we were having a family get together at my house. Because of this, I had to mow our lawn to make sure it looked nice. I got a little bored and decided it would be funny to cut a rather large penis into my yard. Right when I'd finished, I ran out of gas. My 83 year-old grandmother saw. FML
Today, I colored my hair. It was supposed to turn out blonde, but it became more a mix of red and brown and blonde patches. When I tried coloring everything back, a green tint was added. My hair is at the moment red, brown, blonde and green. FML
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