SabriLittleRed

Make your mind up

Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML

Today, I woke up while staying at my friend's house. I saw the bathroom light on, so for a laugh, I got up and quietly pennied the door. After laughing at him struggling to open the door, I decided to let him out. Turned out it wasn't my friend in there; it was his dad. FML

Today, I witnessed my very overweight cat trying to jump over my fence, only to shit himself half way up, and then land in it. FML

Today, as I walked into McDonald's with my mom, she glanced at me and said, "Smells like your future." FML

Merry Christmas, I guess…

Today, a very drunk woman at the family Christmas party told me she felt terrible that I didn't have a mother who cared about me. She's my mother. FML

Yuletide log

Today, at a Christmas party, a cute girl was making a show of standing under some mistletoe. As I walked over, she quickly moved away in the opposite direction. FML

Today, I was playing what became an extremely intense game of hide-and-seek with my best friend's sister. I finally found the perfect place, so I slid down into the bath and began to cover myself. She popped up out of nowhere and said, "FOUND YOU!" I got so scared that I punched her in the face. FML

Today, I slept on the plane ride home and had a scary nightmare. I started screaming in my dream, so loud that it shocked the old lady sitting next to me into screaming as well. The whole plane began laughing as we were both screaming. FML

Liar, liar

Today, I found out my 7-year-old daughter really did lie about my husband's "other girlfriend" as revenge for being grounded, and that he never cheated on me at all. We're well into our divorce proceedings and he won't forgive me for not believing him when he denied it. FML

Today, I saw a homeless guy in the street. It really upset me how everyone's spirit of giving vanished as soon as Christmas was over, so I said fuck it and gave him about $50 worth of money. I barely made it 10 feet away, when another guy mugged him for the money I just gave. FML

High hopes

Today, these cute girls approached me and asked me to take a picture of them. One girl asked me if I could send it to her because her phone had died. I was excited to have her number, but it turns out that she deleted the message after she sent the picture to herself. FML

Today, I came back from break to find that my roommate had been shitting in the bathtub for the entire 2 weeks I had been gone. FML

Splatter

Today, I had a sneeze attack while my nose was bleeding. Now my living room looks like a crime scene. FML

Today, I was having a cheat meal after two weeks of strict dieting. When I opened the pizza box, I saw a cockroach. It had been baked into the cheese. FML

Same

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he didn't feel attractive. I tried to cheer him up by telling him that I find him very attractive, and so do my friends. He said that didn't matter, because my friends and I aren't attractive either. FML

Today, while heading to the bathroom, I saw my girlfriend putting some lingerie under my bed. I stupidly thought it was for some sexy time later. Well, later on, she dramatically "found" the lingerie and broke up with me. Almost everyone believes her story and thinks I'm a dirty cheater. FML

Today, I had to go back to the restaurant I had just eaten at and beg for my tip back so I could afford my bus home. FML

Thanks, I guess…

Today, I got undressed in front of my boyfriend for the first time. His reaction? "You're chubbier than I expected." FML

You tried

Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first handjob. I was nervous, so when she went to do it, I panicked and yelled, "Firmly grasp it!" She then couldn't stop laughing because it was a line from SpongeBob. FML

Today, my husband confessed that when he's angry with me, he uses my makeup sponge to apply his hemorrhoid cream. FML

Today, I dreamed that I cheated on my boyfriend. I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I called him while half-asleep to tell him about it and apologize. I'm fully awake now and he doesn't believe it was really a dream. FML

Today, my wife wanted me to take her to a new restaurant in town. When I looked it up and saw their prices, I almost had a heart attack. When I said it was too expensive, she snapped "Maybe you'd like to look up 'Lorena Bobbitt' next?!" We went to the restaurant. FML

Today, I found out the pet name my girlfriend gave my penis wasn't randomly made up after all; it's her ex's name. FML

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

Today, while laughing at a jogger that fell down while running, I choked on my French fries. They had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

Today, I noticed my ex was feeling down. We ended things on good terms and I've been wanting to start things up again, so I figured I'd bring him dinner to cheer him up and maybe hang out. Looks like he and his one night stand get to eat my home cooked food while I go home to Netflix. FML

Today, I got pulled over during my driving test. FML

Today, my boyfriend was pleasuring me with his hands. After two years of being together, he was finally about to make me orgasm for the first time by himself. Just as I was reaching my peak, he orgasmed at the thought of finishing me off and stopped. FML