tatteredshirt

Today, I cleaned up my brother's room, since he's moved out. Under the bed I found a Doritos bag full of used condoms. FML

Liquid fun

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has lost interest in our relationship. She's found out she likes drinking. A lot. FML

Never let your guard down

Today, I fell asleep on the beach while tanning. I was woken up by the flock of seagulls eating the bread from my stomach. Why was bread on my stomach? Because my little brother knows birds are my biggest fear. FML

Wild Monopoly game tactics

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my boyfriend and a few friends. After I bankrupted my boyfriend, he turned to me and said, "I fucked your best friend last night, so who really won?" I turned to the best friend in question, she looked at the board and said, "I'd like to buy a house please." FML

Today, I had dinner for the first time with my boyfriend's parents. It was awkward enough without his mom asking, "So, what do you do for fun, besides my son?" FML

Oh, the humanity

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house to break up with him. When I got there, I got sent on a scavenger hunt that ended with him proposing to me. FML

Today, I came back from break to find that my roommate had been shitting in the bathtub for the entire 2 weeks I had been gone. FML

Today, I noticed that my son was less excited about losing a tooth than normal. I asked him what was wrong, he said, "Tyler told me that the tooth fairy died yesterday in a car accident." To which Tyler replied, "You're welcome." FML

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up sex, right?" FML

Today, I read my 10-year-old sister's diary. That's how I found out about her disturbingly detailed plan to murder me, make it look like suicide, date my boyfriend after helping him get over my death, then marry him. FML

Today, my apparently insane and now ex-girlfriend actually claimed she didn't technically cheat on me, because she set her Facebook relationship to "single" before screwing my brother. FML

Sex work is work

Today, I got a call from my dad asking if I was a porno actress. I am. FML

Fighting talk

Today, my dad and uncle got in an argument over money and ended up fighting in the back garden. Only, my dad is a muay thai fighter and my uncle is an MMA fighter, and they're refusing to stop until one of them is out cold. I foresee me driving them both to the hospital before midnight. FML

Whose are these?

Today, as I was cleaning up after my two year-old, I found a pair of lacy underwear in his toy box. Not only are they not mine, but now I have to ask my husband if he's cheating on me. Or ask my babysitter if she's being having fun, instead of actually babysitting. FML

Small world

Today, I discovered that the "hot, slutty, woman" my roommate has been dating is my mom. FML

Today, I was reminded what poverty is like when I had to choose between buying food and buying pads. Now, I have to take constant bathroom breaks and wipe off my pad. I don't get paid until after my period ends. FML

Today, on our anniversary, my fiancé left me. I now spent a couple hundred dollars on a hotel room and wine to cry myself to sleep, alone. FML

Today, I caught my soon to be husband screwing our wedding planner. FML

Just in case

Today, my 16-year-old daughter handed me the picture she wants TV reports to use if ever she happens to get kidnapped. FML

Today, the paternity test came back. It's like I suspected all along; my "son" is actually my half-brother. FML

Pissed

Today, I saw my ex best friend and my cheating ex-girlfriend hanging out at the gym, where I work. They signed up here just to piss me off. It's working. FML

Today, I was told I couldn't walk across the stage at my graduation because I owe money to lunch services. I owe 14 cents from my freshman year. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, I received an envelope with my name written in beautiful writing in my mailbox. I just moved in the day before and hadn't given the address to anyone or met my neighbors yet so I was a bit surprised by it, even more surprised to find nothing but a dick pic inside. FML

Today, after months of trying to make my girlfriend orgasm, she finally did. It was with my brother. I'll definitely knock next time. FML

Drill baby, drill!

Today, I was told that the $8,500 bill for my new water well grew to $11,000 because of a fair amount of overtime. I learned that the men I hired to drill the new well at our home were spending the overtime drilling my daughter as well. FML

That worked out rather well

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I have no sex drive, but faked it to avoid hurting his feelings. It was after he confessed he is not attracted to women, but forced himself to have sex with me because he didn't want to admit he is gay. FML

Today, I saw a cute guy at the coffee shop reading a book. Wanting to be friendly, I smiled as I approached and asked what he was reading. He returned the smile and said, "Minding your damn business, by Fuck Off." FML

Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife. I stabbed myself in the shoulder. FML