evaferlev

Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML

Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML

At last!

Today, my house was raided for drugs. I had to find out my father is a drug dealer. The cops then told me this wasn't their first time here, but it was the first time I was home to see it. They said it was nice to finally meet me. FML

Heated debate

Today, my wife and I almost got a divorce over a game of Yahtzee. FML

Not now

Today, while zooming down the interstate, I had to tell my husband to put his penis away. FML

Today, no matter how much I begged, my friend who'd locked himself away with my iPhone wouldn't stop taking pics of his penis and forwarding them to my boss. FML

Today, I had to utter the phrase "OK, but no cape during sex" to my girlfriend. FML

Man child

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML

Today, while dancing at my studio, our instructor was giving us all characters opposite of ourselves to portray in an improv solo. My friends got cool things like "creepy" and "vulnerable". I got "extremely sexy". FML

Not now, Cooper

Today, I got a boner at the dentist's. FML

Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML