Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response, "Lucky you." FML
Today, a customer that I've been waiting on for years came into the restaurant after a long absence. I said to him, "Hey man, it looks like you lost a lot of weight! How'd you do it?" He replied, "I got cancer." FML
Today, I was recorded a video for my friend on her wall, I forgot to click "stop recording" and got undressed for a shower. When I got out of the shower I noticed I hadn't posted it. A few minutes later I started getting a lot of notifications. Everyone was commenting on my nude video. FML
Today, my best friend who I have been secretly in love with forever, was ranting about her ex-girlfriend. Then she said : "If only you were gay, we'd be perfect for each other." I took the chance to tell her I was. She responded : "Well, I'm still not attracted to you though." FML
Today, as I was doing the morning count for the registers, a lady walked by and saw me. She's got Alzheimer's, and thought I was robbing the guy I'd bought the store from, so she called the cops. I spent six hours in jail while they looked into it, and didn't even get an apology. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriends house and we were having sex. He has a game on in the background and one of his friends started talking to him. He immediately threw me off and said "I have to answer this." He went over to his computer and started talking to them. FML
Today, my little sister got mad at me because I wouldn't let her read my IM conversation. I took a nap and when I woke up, my laptop was gone. She took it on a trip to her grandparents' house, six hours away. Nude pictures of me and my paper due tomorrow are on the laptop. FML
Today, we were swimming in gym class. There are some cute girls in our class and they were wearing their bikinis. I was looking at them when I got an erection but since I was underwater I thought no one would see. I'm on the diving team so my teacher asked me to demonstrate a dive to the class. FML
Today, I was out shopping for bras. While in one store, I couldn't seem to find any in my size. When I asked an employee for help, they took one look at my chest and said, "Maybe you should try our girls' section, we have a lot of training bras." I'm 25. FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. When confronted she told me, "I didn't get wet so it wasn't cheating." FML
Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML
Today, my 6 year-old daughter saw a man in a wheelchair whose leg had been amputated. She walks up to him and says, "What happened?" He answers kindly that he's a war veteran. She then responds, "Well then you deserve to get your leg blown off. You shouldn't be killing people." FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML
Today, me and my girlfriend went paintballing. I made sure we were on the same team, so I could protect her and be manly. The first time she got shot was by me, I shot her finger. It broke. FML
Today, I was having amazing sex with this guy I had been seeing for a while. It got really intense, so did my moans. Guys usually like when I moan, but he just put his hands over my mouth and told me to "shut up" because it sounded like "pig noises". FML
Today, I checked my bank account that I've been saving money in since I was a kid for college. I have $100 left out of the $10,000 I had last month. Apparently my parents thought buying a pool and an HDTV for themselves was more important than my college education. FML
Today, I had a bath in the bathroom we are currently renovating. There's a big hole in the middle of the floor. When I got out of the bath, I swung one leg across the gap to get a towel from the rack. I drew back my leg and looked down to see my brother's hot friend staring up at me in horror. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend's virginity. A few minutes in she remarked, "If this is what sex is normally like then I'm seriously disappointed." FML
Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave, I decided to give him one last thrill. I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out. When I asked why, he pointed behind me. My mom had watched the whole thing. FML
Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML
Today, I was riding my bike without the seat cover on. I hit a curb wrong and the two metal rods from the skeleton of the seat went through my jeans. I went to the med clinic to then find out that I had to get stitches in my scrotum. There were no male doctors. FML
Today, my daughter asked me what is the youngest age at which you should start having sex. Being a good mom, I said that she shouldn't have sex until after she's been married. My daughter then said, "Oh... shoot," and walked away. My daughter is twelve. FML
Today, my girlfriend missed our date, so I angrily texted her, telling her if she can't make our dates then we should break up, and generally telling her off. Five minutes later I get a picture of her sleeping in a hospital bed from her mother, saying, "Shut the fuck up, she had appendicitis." FML
Today, I got an email from a guy to whom I sold my old phone to over eBay. Turns out I forgot to delete the nude photos of myself and my boyfriend that I had stored up. His email asked me for "any PIN numbers needed to use the phone, and oh by the way, nice tits." FML
Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML
Today, I said to our pool-boy, "I know what you're doing, and you have to stop it." He started shouting that I had no right to tell them what to do and that they were in love. He was referring to his relationship with my eldest son. I wanted to tell him to stop drinking my beers. FML
Today, I found out that my brother was selling pictures of me showering. For what? World of Warcraft money. FML
Today, I was really upset after work, so I tearfully asked my boyfriend to bring something over to cheer me up when he visited later. An hour or so later he arrived, having bought me a brand new large purple dildo to "brighten my mood." FML
Today, after a great night of sexual ecstacy, I ran to answer the door. The angry woman standing there introduced herself. ''Hi, I'm your neighbor. My seven year-old son's bedroom is just next to yours and when you scream at night, he gets scared. Do you think you could keep it down?'' FML
Today, I decided to visit my girlfriend who lives 20 hours away. Four Red Bulls: $11.50. Gas: $200. Driving halfway across the country to find your girlfriend in bed with another guy? FML
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