Today, my daughter learned that if she rips a toy out of its package in front of a store employee, mommy will be forced to buy it. She now has two new toys today. FML
Today, at a bar, a woman approched me and tried to set me up with her friend. Looking around, the only people in the bar were a man reading the paper and a very ugly woman, looking at me and smiling. I worriedly replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay." Turns out her friend was the one reading the paper. FML
Today, during an episode of King of Queens that my boyfriend has seen more than once, I decided I'd try to get a little frisky. I straddled him while he was on the bed and began taking my clothes of. He pushed me out of the way and said, "Don't get naked in front of the TV." FML
Today, I checked my university financial account to discover I owed them over $1000. The reason? They had apparently given me too much money when I applied for a loan and now want it back. Oh, and I spent my loan money on books and a laptop for school. FML
Today, I put out a fire. Sadly, it was on my doorstep because someone had lit a bag of dog poop. FML
Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML
Today, I was working as a clown (Pennywise) in a haunted maze. A bunch of drunk guys came in and started breaking props. I decided to stay still and follow through with the scare. I ended up getting kicked in a very sensitive area. The security guard just laughed. FML
Today, I came down with sudden diarrhea while at Tae kwon do practice. I discreetly called my dad for a pickup, but on our way out, he told my instructor that I had to go because I was "shitting my pants with fear." He did this in front of all my classmates. FML
Today, I woke up to find my power was out. After taking a shower in the dark and being unable to make myself lunch, my power came on two minutes before I had to leave for school. FML
Today, my dad found the ugliest picture my mom has ever taken. I show it to her laughing. She said it looks like me. I looked again and it kind of does. FML
Today, we surprised my grandpa by being at his house when he arrived. We haven't seen him in seven years. He had a small heart attack. It was his birthday. FML
Today, it's Black Friday. I got sucker-punched by some woman over a ten dollar griddle. FML
Today, I had to make up a boyfriend to stop my lesbian roommate coming onto me. FML
Today, after studying all night for an exam, I ran out to catch the bus. On my way to the bus, my hair got caught in a branch for some minutes. Thinking I'd missed the bus but thankfully didn't, I went on. A few minutes later I remembered that my exam had been postponed for 3 hours today. FML
Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was a bill from my parents. Apparently, the rent is due on the 1st. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Right before I was about to climax, he asks, "Do you remember when you bought the homeless guy with one leg a hot dog?" FML
Today, my dad cussed out an individual on the phone because he thought it was a telemarketer. He was my Indian girlfriend's father. FML
Today, I locked the door to our only bathroom so my two year old wouldn't get in and make a mess. I crapped my pants while trying to unlock it with the key that rests on the frame. FML
Today, I laid in bed all night texting my drunk boyfriend and drunk best friend. They were at two different parties, neither of which I was invited to. FML
Today, someone wearing dark grey clothes thought it would be a good idea to run in front of my car in the pouring rain. I slammed on my brakes and managed to stop before I'd have turned him into a blood sprinkler. Unfortunately, the person behind me didn't. FML
Today, I saw my unemployed 29-year-old son, who still lives with us, reading the work section of the newspaper and prayed that he was looking for a job. He was looking for the comics. FML
Today, my wife bought $80 worth of Glee songs on iTunes. FML
Today, I drove the width of the country to tell the girl I've lost that I'm in love with her. She wasn't home. FML
Today, my girlfriend made me watch six hours of "Glee" with her. I don't know what I hate the most, the fact that I actually sat there and watched it or that I'm angry at Finn for breaking up with Rachel. FML
Today, during my honeymoon, my wife and I finally went scuba-diving. My nose was too big to fit in the face goggles, so I couldn't go. My wife went without me anyway. FML
Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML
Today, an argument broke out between me, my girlfriend, and her sister. They were trying to convince me that not only were fairies real, but there were "scientific facts" that "prove" their existence. My girlfriend's 20 and her sister teaches primary school. FML
Today, I was at a restaurant with my son when he started to choke on his food. Panicked, I grabbed the closest drink I could reach and made him gulp it down. Only when I received tons of dirty looks from people at other tables did I realize I had given him beer. My son is 8. FML
Today, I arrived at the beach for a week's vacation. I walk on the beach only to find they are "rebuilding" it. They have heavy machinery all over the place, they work 24/7, and this only happens every 15 years. Glad I picked this week. FML
Today, my three year old sister asked me to go to the amusement park with her. Since I was late for work, I politely refused and said we'd go tomorrow. She punched me in the nuts so hard that I could barely walk. FML
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