kristen99

Today, I had to cancel my birthday party because of snow. It's October. FML

Today, my house was broken into. How? My mom left a key under a flower pot on the porch. She also left a note on the door saying so. He stole all of my guitars. FML

Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl took a shit in my lap. FML

Today, I somehow managed to slam my trumpet case closed on my nipple. FML

Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and started crying. Apparently, when I'm horny, my face reminds her of her dead dog. FML

Today, I found out while skiing that my dad likes to call me Pimple because I have a pink coat and white helmet. He has tried to squeeze me. FML

Today, I found out that my estranged daughter has been married for five years. I wasn't told of or invited to their wedding, and the only reason I know now is because she needs money for a divorce lawyer. FML

We meet again

Today, my daughter brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. I realize now why she said we would get along great… we graduated high school together. FML

Awkward

Today, I found out what it's like to have your boyfriend's mom find your hidden stash of condoms in your car, then spend the next two hours shopping with her. Alone. FML

Today, my boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to "Single" and his status to "I'm not kidding, leave your key on the counter." FML

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. I presented her with an oil painting of her that I'd been working on for over a month, and she started to cry. I thought it was because she liked it, until she asked if she really looks that ugly and disproportionate in real life. FML

Today, I looked over my next homework assignment for art class. It was to draw a portrait of my best friend. I can't think of anyone besides my mother. FML

Today, someone actually thought it was appropriate to compare my mother's death to the death of their cat. FML

Today, I tried to convince my daughter that the "To boldly go where no man has gone before" speech is from Star Trek, and is not an actual historical speech by the first man on the moon. She has decided to include it in her university essay on Neil Armstrong anyway. FML

Today, it was confirmed that the "no pet rule" in my apartment complex is so strict that I'm not even allowed to have sea monkeys. FML

Today, I had a dream I was on the toilet taking the longest piss known to man. Unfortunately, it was partially true. FML

Today, I had to get a prostate exam. Right before the doctor started, he told me that if I found it awkward at all, I should just imagine I was being probed by aliens. FML

Today, my boyfriend sat me down for a "confession". His confession consisted of him saying that "women are like a bag of chips," and that while you can love the smokey BBQ flavor, every once in a while you just have to go for some salt and vinegar. FML

Today, I took the bus. The old lady next to me almost fell when the driver stopped, but I managed to catch her. Five minutes later, the same thing happened to me. The old lady tried to help me, but I lost my balance and pulled her skirt down. FML

Today, I was showing some new karate moves in the park to my friends. I mimed a punch behind a girl walking past to show my technique and control, but she must have seen me. She turned around and kicked me in the stomach. To add insult to injury, her technique was better than mine. FML

Today, a kid I taught to swim became my new boss, at the pool that I have worked at for nine years. FML

Clubbing tip

Today, I approached a cute girl at a club, and she started barking at me like a rabid dog. Thinking she might be mentally unhinged, I left, only to see the same girl laughing her ass off with her friends minutes later. When I went back over, her friends started barking at me too. FML

Today, I let my imbecile of a brother borrow my car. The keys to his car are now jammed into the ignition of mine. FML

Today, my girlfriend got a tattoo of a Rainbow Dash over her pubic mound. Now whenever I go down on her, I'll be eye-to-eye with an adorable pony that shits rainbows. FML

Today, while I was volunteering at the homeless shelter, one of them "accidentally" kissed me. It felt like my face was being sucked by a vacuum. FML

Today, I had to scream for my dad to come help me, after I got my hair caught in a fan while trying to make the Darth Vader voice. FML

Today, I babysat for a woman for the first time. When I arrived, there was a large pile of dishes in the sink. I decided to wash the dishes for her while the kids napped. She came home, noticed it, and bitched me out over how I'd only done it "to try and get more money" out of her. What? FML

Today, the guy I'm dating came into the same restaurant where I was eating. He was with a girl. He sat at the table next to mine and didn't even bother to say, "Hi." I guess I'm single again. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to break up. But not until after our anniversary tomorrow, because he's already gotten dinner reservations for us. FML

Today, I met someone really cool and their departing words were, for some odd reason, "We should totally be friends, I mean unless you're schizophrenic or something, haha!" I have schizophrenia. FML