kristen99

Today, my therapist clapped for me when I told her I'd made a friend. FML

Today, I joined a new choir. My director asked me if my best friend was actually my girlfriend. Taken aback, I said no, I was not a lesbian. He then asked me to clarify my gender. FML

Today, a little girl looked at me and yelled "Mommy look, there's a real leprechaun!" FML

Today, I introduced my mother to my new girlfriend. My mom made a very nasty comment about her in Spanish, not realizing that my girlfriend teaches Spanish at the local school. FML

Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML

Today, I paid for someone else's piss so that I could pass my drug test. I didn't pass the drug test. FML

Cereal killer

Today, I was broken up with via a cereal analogy. Apparently, I'm a Cheerio and all he wants is a Froot Loop. FML

Keep it down

Today, I attended a formal banquet. The host was delivering a speech, when I felt the urge to pee, so I tried to quietly excuse myself. My chair screeched over the floor as I got up, I tripped over my own feet, and I accidentally took the door leading outdoors, where I ended up peeing in shame. FML

Lost

Today, a friend who I hadn't seen in a while offered to give me a ride. I didn't really know how to give directions to my house, so when we had been driving for a while and it was getting awkward, I just pointed at a random house and pretended to live there. FML

Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML

Today, I saw my reflection in the computer screen and I thought I looked quite nice. I tried to take a screenshot. FML

Today, while driving home from work, I noticed the driver next to me was happily chatting on her phone. I fucking despise these would-be murderers, so I slammed my horn to signal my disgust. She panicked and swerved straight into my car. FML

Today, I was finally able to drive my brother's nice car instead of my clunker, because he left for college. First thing I do? Back into the neighbors' mailbox while exiting the driveway. FML

Just Caturday things

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend doesn't have time to text me back, but he does have time to post an entire Facebook album dedicated to cats. FML

Home sweet home

Today, my unemployed mother decided to yet again stay home and drink heavily. So far she's kicked me out of the house, tipped over our sofa, and thrown her vibrator out the window. FML

Today, I shaved my legs for the first time in three weeks. It took half an hour, three disposable razors, and I cut my legs up so badly they look worse then they did when they were hairy. FML

Today, I had a dream that my ex-boyfriend had become a vicious serial killer and was hunting me down because I broke up with him. I don't know what scares me more: the way he hunted me in my sleep, or the fact that it wouldn't surprise me if it actually happened. FML

Brave

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house when we noticed her cat was missing. We saw it on the roof and so I thought I would try to look good by offering to go on the roof to retrieve it. The cat had climbed down when I got up there, and I have a fear of heights. Her mom had to help me down. FML

Today, a girl told me she couldn't text me anymore, because she was too tired and had to sleep. Over the next three hours, she updated her Facebook and Twitter accounts, and made a YouTube video of herself singing. FML

Today, I finished my first two weeks as an ice cream truck driver. Now I can't get that annoying ice cream truck music out of my head. It's even in my dreams. FML

Today, I had to explain to my teacher that Czechoslovakia is no longer a country. She kicked me out of class when she found out I was right. FML

Today, my wife knows tattoos are a huge turnoff for me. She decided the best way to change my mind about them would be to get one. Across her neck. Of our dog's name. FML

Today, I kissed a boy for the first time in over a year. It was at drama club practice, and he quickly ended up asking the director if we could remove that scene from the play. FML

Today, I was stuck in the bathroom yelling for someone to get me toilet paper. My grandpa slips a small leaf under the door and says, "This is what I used in my day." FML

FREEBIRD!

Today, I finally got to attend the concert I have been anticipating for weeks. The band was great. The drunk guy sitting behind me yelling profanity and out of tune lyrics in my ear throughout the entire show, however, was not. FML

Ice cold break-up

Today, my girlfriend decided to break the news that she wanted us to be "just friends." However, she did it not in just any old way - while ice-skating. I'm currently in hospital getting stitches in my arm after I tripped in shock and she ran me over. FML

Today, I walked into my mother's house to find that she had knitted clothes for some of the household appliances. The toaster was wearing a dress. FML

Today, my mom had the option of choosing anywhere in the world where we could go on vacation. We live in the USA and she chose to fly to Texas, rent an RV, and drive to Florida. Anywhere in the world. FML

Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML

All words are made up

Today, my English teacher used the word "interpretate" again. This isn't the only mistake she's made though; I've been so frustrated that I've started a list of them. It's over a page long. I'm meant to be learning things from this woman. FML