dansco

Today, I found out my dad has been sending dirty text messages to my mom. Which wouldn't be a problem except they're divorced and my dad is remarried. FML

Today, I played Taboo with my boyfriend and my conservative family. It was my boyfriend's turn and his word was "cherry". His only clue to me was, "I popped your..." He was the only one who found it funny. FML

Today, the vibrator I ordered online was delivered. I'd paid extra to make sure it would be here before the weekend, so I could sneak it into my room while everyone was gone. My dad decided to stay home all day and answer the door ahead of me. FML

Today, I passed out in the shower with my boyfriend. He just left me there. FML

Today, I was sitting on a bus. I'm deaf. An old lady looked very angry at me and started talking. Then she looked like she was screaming. I had to type on my phone that I'm deaf. Apparently, I'd been stepping on her foot. She decided to poke me in the eye and type, "Now you're blind too." FML

Thanks, asshat

Today, I arrived at the pizza place I work at to find that I'd been fired. Apparently, the class stoner came in last night and not only demanded a free pizza, but also claimed that I always gave him one. I've never talked to this kid in my life, but my boss still doesn't believe me. FML

Today, I was left at the altar. For the second time. By the same man. FML

Today, my sister set it so all the Yahoo articles I read are published on my Facebook wall. This would have been fine had I not decided to read, "Does the gynecologist care if you shave?" FML

WTF Mom?

Today, I found out my little sister is marrying my ex, and that my mother set them up. FML

Today, while driving to work in heavy traffic, I got so into the song I was listening to that I tapped my foot on the gas to the beat. I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

Poor performance dude

Today, it was my first time having sex with this guy. After a few second he stops, sits in the corner of his room buff-naked, with his knees up and his hands on his face. He then pouts and claims it was his worst performance ever. FML

Today, I flew to England to visit my boyfriend, who has been working there for the past three months. I went to his hotel and waited for him; he never showed up. I called one of his colleagues to ask him what was going on. He had no idea what I was talking about. FML

Give it away

Today, after my credit card was stolen, the thief made donations to charitable associations. Now I feel bad for asking for the money back. FML

Today, I tried to treat a cut on my butthole with Neosporin. I couldn't see it properly, so I had to use the front-facing camera on my phone. FML

Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that he purposely makes me angry, because when I'm angry, I clean, and it saves him having to do it himself. FML

Today, I was willing to sit behind a truck doing 10km/h just to hear an interview with Robbie Williams on the radio. FML

Too little, too late

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me he's going to get tested for STDs, because he's worried about a previous partner. I'm grateful for his thoughtfulness, but I'd be even more grateful if we hadn't already slept together several times. FML

Assumptions

Today, I noticed a flashy car badly parking itself in a handicapped space. I hate the asshats who do this, so I went up to berate the driver. After an opening salvo of coarse language, a glint of light on his wheelchair in the back caught my eye. I then had to apologise for being a shitehawk. FML

Monday morning blues

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML

Today, a client stared at me in disbelief after I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. FML

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

Today, I found out that the money my husband and I gave to my son for university courses, has instead been spent on pole dancing lessons. FML

You learn something new every day

Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity. FML

Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML

Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML

Today, I moved out of my apartment by the highway and airport, and into a new place below people who blast loud music, stomp their feet, and slam doors throughout the night. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in over a year. FML

Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML

DIY

Today, since I'm too broke to get a new one, I had to duct tape my bra. FML

Today, my mum cleaned my room. When I got home she yelled at me for having condoms. I'm 24 years old and in a long term relationship. FML