DonULFonso

Today, after months of living on five dollars a day for food in college, I found out my parents bought me an expensive meal plan and forgot to mention it. FML

Today, I learned that the three secretaries at work make spreadsheets about who uses the toilets, when and for how long, and then make bets on who will take the longest toilet break, who will use it the most often, etc. Now I constantly look at my watch whenever I use the toilets. FML

Today, my mom thought the best way to stop me from taking people to my room was by changing my wallpaper into a nursery-themed one. Now I get to see bunnies, letter blocks and teddy bears all day long. FML

Today, after years busting my hump for my father's business with the understanding of one day taking it over, he informed me that my nephew, who has never shown any interest in the company, is being brought in to take it over. FML

Today, I went to pick my dog up from my old house where my ex-boyfriend still lives. I rang the doorbell and saw him look out of the side window holding the dog. When I told him I was there for my dog, he claimed that the dog was his now. He broke up with me because he hates dogs. FML

Today, I broke up with my fiancé after he cheated on me, and he now refuses to move out of the apartment. I'm even contemplating just offering him my Xbox One as a bribe so I can get him out of my life for good. FML

Today, after meeting my new girlfriend, my mom dyed and cut her hair the exact same way my girlfriend has hers. FML

Today, I went to my father's house to get my dog, since I had left it with him while I was on a business trip. When I got there, my dad said the dog pooped on the floor a few days ago, and so he took him to the pound. FML

Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead. His most recent searches? "How kill cat", "Kill cat laws", "Cat + poison". I thought he was ok with my cat when I moved in. FML

Today, one of my oldest friends blocked me for refusing to drive her to and from a wedding that was over 30 miles away. The wedding was mine. FML

Today, I walked into pawn shop and found a nice laptop which I inspected after I thought I lost mine months ago. Turns out my ex pawned it after having it at her place all this time. FML

Today, I found out that ever since I went from working full-time to part-time, my boss frequently blames me for different things behind my back. Currently, she's telling people I clogged the toilet and lost her keys - on what was actually my day off. FML

Bratz

Today, my bratty sister shoved me overboard during a boat ride. Not ten seconds after being pulled back on board, I got an earful of abuse from my parents. My sister is the family favorite and they refuse to believe that I didn't "provoke" her. FML

Today, my brother started ranting about how fluoridated water is a conspiracy to "turn people gay". I said the government must be doing a shit job of it, since he's been drinking the stuff longer than I've been alive and is still married to a woman. He punched me so hard, my vision blacked out. FML

Follow my lead

Today, we ran out of disposable gloves at work. After saying how grossed out I was about having to touch raw chicken with my bare hands, my female boss goes, "Just imagine you're touching yourself. That's what I do." Even more grossed out now. FML

Today, my boyfriend took me to get the abortion that we both agreed on. He was being so supportive through the whole thing. When it was all over I thanked him for coming. He replied, "Well that's what got us here in the first place!" He's still mad he can't tell anyone his joke. FML

Today, my work directory was updated to reflect my recent promotion. Due to lack of space, they abbreviated the title. I'm now listed as "Sr Anal". FML

It's a trap

Today, as I entered our narrow hallway while leaving the bathroom, my belt loop caught on the knob of a nearby closet. My husband had to come and rescue me as I hung there, my ass in the air. FML

Been there, done that

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend for another girl. This other girl helped me break up with her so we could date. After it was all done, she promptly rejected me and in front of everyone, saying how much of a douche I was for leaving my girlfriend for another girl. FML

Today, I had a cute girl over and we cuddled on my bed. Later she texted me that she had decided that she didn't want to ever do that again because it turned her on. FML

Experiment!

Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML

Today, my sister played a prank by pretending to break into my house. I ended up nailing her in the chest with my baseball bat. Now all of my family is bitching and wants me to pay the medical bills. FML

Saved

Today, my daughter posted a poem on Facebook about how her father and I abused her for years. It's a complete lie and an obvious attempt to impress her boyfriend, whom she thanked for "rescuing" her. I've received several hateful messages already, along with threats to report me to CPS. FML

Today, my girlfriend came to my workplace to tell me she was breaking up with me. My boss, who was passing by, fired me for "chatting with friends" during work hours. FML

Today, I caught my soon to be husband screwing our wedding planner. FML

Today, I was babysitting my young cousins who are obsessed with Narnia. So to appease them, we checked every closet in the house. We never did find Narnia, but we did find sex toys. Lots of them. FML

Today, an old friend of mine refused to go to a movie with me. Turns out he was sitting in front of me with my girlfriend. FML

Today, I had the great pleasure of meeting my replacement, who was sitting at my desk in my office. My boss must've forgotten to mention to me that I've been fired. FML

Today, I sent my daughter to her dad's house for the week. She decided to pack my remotes and most of my clothes and shoes, in an effort to make me come get her as soon as I noticed. FML

Today, I learned that my husband and I share the same taste in men. FML