emisheah

Today, while I was walking across a bridge, a prepubescent middle schooler grabbed my phone from my hand and threw it into the water. His friend filmed it, high-fived him, and they both ran off. I got that phone less than a week ago. FML

Today, I opened the cupboard and a bag of flour fell on my head, covering me from head to toe. Last night I got drunk, and set some booby traps up around the house for my roommate. I'd forgot that my roommate moved out a week ago. FML

Today, my 17 year old told me he wanted to pursue a career in art. Knowing he's extremely talented at drawing, I congratulated him and told him to pursue that dream. A few hours later I learn that he's been arrested for spray painting graffiti dicks all over a school wall. Well, he's famous now. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "Son, I want you to suck upon my nipples of knowledge." FML

Moral panic #2766

Today, my sister shared a post on Facebook which talked about how "gays" are destroying the "sanctity of marriage." I couldn't help but point out that she's been married 3 times in the last 7 years, while I've been happily married to my wife for nearly 9. She deleted my comment then blocked me. FML

Today, I had to pee in a cup. The cup almost overflowed. My first instinct was to drink some so it didn't spill. FML

Today, I was given a $100 cookbook as a gift by a co-worker. The man who shares a desk with me didn't realise it was mine, as he was at lunch when I got it, so he decided to give it to my boss when he walked in. My boss is refusing to return it. FML

Quack

Today, I went to the doctor's after over a week of feeling extremely tired and having headaches. His advice? "When I'm tired I drink coffee. You should drink coffee." Somehow, I don't think that was worth $60. FML

Today, someone accused me of stuffing my bra when some tissue fell out. I was too embarrassed to tell them I wasn't stuffing, the tissue was used to sop up my boob sweat. FML

Today, I was both sexting with my girlfriend and texting my professor about an upcoming essay. I accidentally sent a dickpic to my professor. FML

Today, while half asleep, I dipped my finger in ketchup instead of a fry, and bit down on it so hard I needed stitches. FML